무료 레벨테스트 받고 강사평가 남기면 1,OOO원 쿠폰 즉시 적립!

혹시 사이트에선 찾지 못한 궁금한 점이 있으세요?
남겨주신 이메일을 통해 답변 드리겠습니다.

문의하신 내용이 문자로 발송되오니
연락처를 남겨주세요.
업무시간 월~금 오전9시~오후6시
(점심시간 낮12시~오후1시)

영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
회원님들께 무료로 제공해드리는 부가 서비스로, 전문 분야를 제외한 자유 주제
또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

D1 essay homework

작성자: 김*수
2025-05-12 640

회원님의 영작문



D1 essay homework

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi again! Your essay presents a strong intention to argue in favor of the benefits of electronic devices for growing children, but the thesis is somewhat unclear and contradictory. The organization of your ideas needs improvement as well. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting examples and explanations.
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? (250 words)

 

While I agree that using electronic devices is not good for growing children, for example, some students didn’t have study rather than playing game, surfing the internet and watching videos, I personally think that using an electronic device is more advantages for growing children. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

REVISED: While I agree that using electronic devices can have negative effects; such as students playing games, surfing the internet, or watching videos instead of studying; I personally believe that electronic devices are more advantageous for growing children.

 

The first reason, if you know how handle using some devices like computes and communication equipment, it makes a job opportunity.

REVISED: The first reason is that if children learn how to use devices like computers and communication tools, it can create job opportunities in the future.


 For example, when I was in high school, I leaned to computer languages such as Java, C and python.

REVISED: For example, when I was in high school, I learned computer languages such as Java, C, and Python.


 Actually, most students didn’t like this time but I’m except due to my parents. 

REVISED: Most students didn’t enjoy learning programming, but I was an exception because of my parents.


They teched to related to computer when I was young like computer parts and typing so I was interested to computer for a long time.

REVISED: They taught me about computers when I was young, including parts and typing, so I’ve been interested in computers for a long time.


 After high school, I majored in computer related at university and I also work to develop at the company. 

REVISED: After high school, I majored in a computer-related field at university and now work as a developer at a company.


Like this, if you learn one thing about electronic devices from a young age, you will have the opportunity to work.

REVISED: This shows that if children learn about electronic devices from a young age, it can lead to career opportunities.


The second reason, it is for academic reason. For example, there is a lot of information on the internet these days. 

>>> CORRECT~!^^

If you want to find anything, you should use an internet, but if you’re not used to using an internet, there will be a lack of intelligence rather than another people such as study materials and social information.

REVISED: If students aren’t familiar with using the internet, they may miss out on valuable study materials and current information, putting them at a disadvantage compared to others.

 

Due to these reasons, I believe that learning to electronic devices more advantages for young people.

REVISED: For these reasons, I believe that learning to use electronic devices is more advantageous for young people.
번호 제목 글쓴이 공개 상태 등록일 조회수
143546 What kind of person do you want your child to become, and how... 오*영 완료 2025-04-10 952
143545 In what ways has your relationship with your pet affedted your... 오*영 완료 2025-04-10 811
143544 Have you ever had a special memory or event happen in a... 노*철 완료 2025-04-10 829
143543 What are the advantages of being bilingual? 이*태 완료 2025-04-10 802
143542 What are the most important things you want to share when... 이*태 완료 2025-04-10 901
143541 What are the pros of socializing with other people? 이*태 완료 2025-04-10 912
143540 Why do you think more people choose not to get married recently? 이*태 완료 2025-04-10 735
143539 Talk about the crime rate in the place where you live. 박*호 완료 2025-04-10 762
143538 Homework 김*님 완료 2025-04-10 814
143537 Ideal family structure 한*원 완료 2025-04-10 793
143536 . 김*인 완료 2025-04-10 780
143535 homework 김*연 완료 2025-04-09 0
143534 HOMEWORK FOR TODAY 엄*린 완료 2025-04-09 1
143533 Homework 김*우 완료 2025-04-09 3
143532 If you could learn how to cook a new dish, what would it be and... 이*윤 완료 2025-04-09 818
143531 4/9 homework 김*현 완료 2025-04-09 827
143530 Geography 김*운 완료 2025-04-09 896
143529 07apr2025_homework 김*라 완료 2025-04-09 713
143528 Geograpy 김*운 완료 2025-04-09 885
143527 What courses or subjects do you think should be added in school? 임*미 완료 2025-04-09 904

HOW TO USE IT?

[마이페이지 > 수업 내용 보기 > 학습 캘린더 > 영작교정 버튼 클릭]

수업 횟수만큼 영작교정 게시판이 생성되며,
지난 날짜에도 게시 할 수 있습니다.

주5회 수업 : 월 20회 이용 가능
주3회 수업 : 월 12회 이용 가능
주2회 수업 : 월 08회 이용 가능
01
교정 내용은 최대 1,000byte까지 올릴 수 있습니다.

첨부 파일은 원활한 첨삭을 위한 참고자료로 사용될 뿐,
파일에 대한 첨삭은 불가능 합니다.

업로드 가능한 첨부 파일은 최대 2mb까지이며,
첨부 할 수 있는 파일 형식은 다음과 같습니다.

문서 - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
이미지 - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
전문 분야를 제외한 회원님이 직접 작성한 글만
첨삭이 가능하며,

올려주신 글의 강사님 첨삭은 24시간 이내에
완료 되는 것을 원칙으로 하고 있습니다.
03
하루 게시 가능한 글은 3회까지 이며,
종료된 수업의 영작교정 게시판은
이용이 어려운 점 양해 부탁 드립니다.
04

와이즈에듀케이션아이(주) 사이트명: 파워잉글리쉬 대표이사 전상현
사업자등록번호: 217-81-44736 통신판매신고번호: 2014-서울도봉-0233호
서울본사: 서울시 노원구 한글비석로 245 두타빌 B동 7층 713호
대표번호 1688-8672 개인정보관리 책임자: 안희영 [powerenglish@pweng.net]