¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourage

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÃÖ*Èñ
2025-07-22 169

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Technology has been developed a lot for some decades. And Our lives are very changed a lot by developing of the technologies.
I think that the motivation of the invention technology would have be good but some people has used it for crime.
So we don't need to believe that the crime has been increased by the technology development, a number of people who utilize it for crime is increased. The technology is not blame. Some criminals are bad and we have a duty that we have to use the technology properly.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi there Ms. Lydia. Thanks for doing your first homework!  You made a strong point- that technology itself isn¡¯t to blame for crimes; it's how people use it that matters. This is an insightful and important perspective. Keep it up! See you tomorrow. 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Technology has been developed a lot for some decades. 
REVISED: Technology has developed a lot over the past few decades.

For some decades¡± -> more natural as "over the past few decades.

And Our lives are very changed a lot by developing of the technologies.
REVISED: Our lives have changed significantly due to the development of technology.

I think that the motivation of the invention technology would have be good but some people has used it for crime.
REVISED: I believe the motivation behind inventing technology is generally good, but some people have used it for criminal purposes.

For crime¡± -> better phrased as "for criminal purposes.

So we don't need to believe that the crime has been increased by the technology development, a number of people who utilize it for crime is increased. 
REVISED: So, we shouldn't assume that crime has increased because of technological development; rather, the number of people misusing it for crime has increased.

The technology is not blame.
REVISED: Technology itself is not to blame.

Some criminals are bad and we have a duty that we have to use the technology properly.
REVISED: Some people commit crimes, and it's our responsibility to use technology properly.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
144221 New3 ÀÌ*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 877
144220 New2 ÀÌ*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 819
144219 New1 ÀÌ*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 870
144218 What is the importance of family? ¿©*Âù ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 0
144217 Do you find studying English stressful? ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 1
144216 Is it fair for foreigners to buy land in Korea when Koreans... ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 969
144215 0520 IELTS writing Task2 homework ¼Û*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 0
144214 Homework for today ¾ö*¸° ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 1
144213 What does the rise of sologamy say about changing roles for... ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 1009
144212 The homework for 21st May. Á¶*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 886
144211 Homework ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 1
144210 Homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 969
144209 how do you choose where to go when you travel? ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 790
144208 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 789
144207 Should voting (for government officials) be made mandatory? Why... ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 847
144206 homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 865
144205 D5 essay homework ±è*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 929
144204 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-21 2
144203 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-05-20 3
144202 What is your favorite activity to do in your free time? ¿©*Âù ¿Ï·á 2025-05-20 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04