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영작교정 게시판

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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

What suggestion can you recommend to your government to increase your population?

작성자: 정*원
2021-02-01 318

회원님의 영작문

In my country, the birth rate has decreased gradually since 2000. This low-birth-rate phenomenon is due to ignorance of the society. Getting married and having a child both are needed a stable income to make a living. In modern society, most women studied same as men, and furthermore, they achieve a high position at their work. However, evenif they made a good result for the company, if they pregnant or have a child, they will not be able to maintain their career.
No companies wait mothers. Some vompanies have a good welfare system for mother but it is not enough to encourage young couple to have a baby.
I think there should be a kind of prize to a new married couple who have a baby from the government.
Besides, if they have more babies the government should reward them more. Young people doesn't want to sacrifice themselves for anyone. If they don't have to lose not many things, if rather they will get more financial benefits from government, I believe that they want to be parents.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good morning Young Won!

What is it in a trend that many people follow? Perhaps, convenience and comfort. If most South Koreans are ready to give up these things and also your recommendations below will be given by the government, there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

For now, it would be good to psyche the kids to have their family and have children in the future. 

See you in a few.

-T. Donna =)

In my country, the birth rate has decreased gradually since 2000. This low-birth-rate phenomenon is due to ignorance of the society. 
>> Correct!

Getting married and having a child both are needed a stable income to make a living. In modern society, most women studied same as men, and furthermore, they achieve a high position at their work. However, evenif they made a good result for the company, if they pregnant or have a child, they will not be able to maintain their career.
>> Getting married and having a child both need a stable income to make a living. In this modern society, most women studied the same as men. Furthermore, they achieve a high position at their work. However, even if they made a good result/ (impact) for the company, if they get pregnant or have a child, they will not be able to maintain their career.

No companies wait mothers. Some vompanies have a good welfare system for mother but it is not enough to encourage young couple to have a baby.
>> No companies wait for mothers. Some companies have a good welfare system for mothers but it is not enough to encourage young couples to have a baby.

I think there should be a kind of prize to a new married couple who have a baby from the government.
>> I think that there should be a kind of a prize to newly married couples who will have a baby from the government.

Besides, if they have more babies the government should reward them more. Young people doesn't want to sacrifice themselves for anyone. If they don't have to lose not many things, if rather they will get more financial benefits from government, I believe that they want to be parents.
>> Besides, if they have more babies the government should reward them more. Young people don't want to sacrifice themselves for anyone. If they don't have to lose many things, if they rather get more financial benefits from the government, I believe that they would want to be parents.
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