¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

I think Paris.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*Èñ
2021-02-10 648

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Today, on my online-class, my teacher asked me if I want to go Paris. My answer was no because in my image nowadays Paris is too dangerous to travel. When I come up with Paris, The words such as terrorism by refuges or Muslims, pickpockets and racism follow. But when I was single(before 15 years), I thought that Paris was fantastic, beautiful and advanced. What was changed in my mind?

When I was young, I met Paris in comics book and picture, but recently I've meet it on TV news. So I decided that My thought-change came form reality. The gap between real word and comic word make me more negative to Paris. The prejudice about other country is made easily from TV. It's natural for people to pay attention to bad news of foreign country because it's more important to prevent something similar.

After many thought, I made up my mind to throw away the black and white logic like a "Paris is bad, Seoul is good.". I should consider the diversity and multi-layer of the world.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi Tae Hee!
This is great!
Thank you for you composition today.
Take note of the corrections below.
If you have any questions, you can ask in class.
Enjoy your holiday and see you next week.^^
~~ Teacher Sharon
Today, on my online-class, my teacher asked me if I want to go Paris. 
>> My teacher asked me if I wanted to go to Paris during my online class today.
My answer was no because in my image nowadays Paris is too dangerous to travel. 
>> My answer was "no" because I believe that it's too dangerous to travel to Paris nowadays.
When I come up with Paris, The words such as terrorism by refuges or Muslims, pickpockets and racism follow. 
>> When I think about Paris, words such as terrorism by refugees or Muslims, pickpockets and racism follow. 
But when I was single(before 15 years), I thought that Paris was fantastic, beautiful and advanced. 
>> However, 15 years ago when I was single, I thought that Paris was fantastic, beautiful and advanced.
What was changed in my mind?
>> What changed my mind?
When I was young, I met Paris in comics book and picture, but recently I've meet it on TV news. 
>> When I was young, I saw Paris in comic books and pictures, but recently I only see it on the news on TV.
So I decided that My thought-change came form reality. 
>> That's why I realized that my thoughts changed because of reality.
The gap between real word and comic word make me more negative to Paris. 
>> There is a gap between the comic book world and the real world which gives a more negative view on Paris.
The prejudice about other country is made easily from TV. 
>> Prejudice against other countries are easily made available on TV.
It's natural for people to pay attention to bad news of foreign country because it's more important to prevent something similar.
>> It's natural for people to pay attention to bad news about foreign countries because it's more important to prevent something similar.
After many thought, I made up my mind to throw away the black and white logic like a "Paris is bad, Seoul is good.". 
>> After a lot of thinking, I made up my mind to throw away the black and white logic like  "Paris is bad and Seoul is good."
I should consider the diversity and multi-layer of the world.
>> I should consider the diversity in the world. 
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
105473 Good fences make good neighbors. ¼­*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-08 493
105472 I hate bell pepers. ¼±*¸² ¿Ï·á 2021-02-07 437
105471 Which is better in eating out? The \"buffet\" way or The... À¯*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-07 447
105470 Plastic waste crisis thwarts Korea\'s efforts towards greener... À¯*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-02-07 1
105469 homework ³ë*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-07 422
105468 homework ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-07 1
105467 homework ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-07 2
105466 If you could do anything in a week, what would you do? À¯*¸° ¿Ï·á 2021-02-07 0
105465 Homework ÀÌ*¾Ö ¿Ï·á 2021-02-07 5
105464 Have toy ever felt that you knew some people the first time you... ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-07 491
105463 What are the times of the year that you give gifts in Korea Á¤*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-07 386
105462 Homework0205 ±è*Çö ¿Ï·á 2021-02-07 624
105461 Whst do you do when you do not fully understand someone\'s... Á¤*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2021-02-06 473
105460 How would you like to be comforted by your parents? Explain. °û*È¿ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-06 460
105459 I would build my own house. Á¶*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-06 2
105458 How can we get rid of bad habits? ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-02-05 0
105457 Claire\'s homework ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-05 480
105456 What memory in your life can you not forget? ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-02-05 0
105455 Composition º¯*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-05 2
105454 The memory that I can¡¯t forget in my life ±è*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2021-02-05 366

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04