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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe

작성자: 황*하
2021-02-22 1086

회원님의 영작문

I think happiness depends on personal mind. I can be happy how I think regardless of wealth, health and factors around me. However, if I can't keep my basic life from food to hosing, I can't have positive mind for my life. I would feel frustrated, exhausted and see the world like disaster. Education for children and basic right should be guaranteed by the government. People also need jobs to get money. The monk who is really famous in Korea said that people have to try not to have many things. He suggested us to empty our mind by training like meditation. He also stressed that happiness start from not to have any possessions. I partially agree with it but I think we can control ourselves if we can solve basic needs. We have heard a lot of stories about rich people that they are not always happy because humans desire are infinite. Rich people don't think that they are rich so they want to earn more money. Rich people have a lot of conflicts with their family members because of money.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good morning MR. HWANG~! ^^ Thanks for doing your homework! ^^Tuesday is a good day to reflect on the types of thoughts you are feeding your mind each day! Have a good one~! See you! 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
I think happiness depends on personal mind.
>>> CORRECT
>>> OR I think happiness depends on one's mind.
 I can be happy how I think regardless of wealth, health and factors around me. 
>>> I can be happy regardless of wealth, health and some factors around me. 
However, if I can't keep my basic life from food to hosing, I can't have positive mind for my life. 
>>> CORRECT
I would feel frustrated, exhausted and see the world like a disaster.
>>> CORRECT
 Education for children and basic right should be guaranteed by the government.
>>> CORRECT
 People also need jobs to get money.
>>> CORRECT
 The monk who is really famous in Korea said that people have to try not to have many things.
>>> A monk who is really famous in Korea said that people have to try not to have many things.
 He suggested us to empty our mind by training like meditation.
>>>  He suggested us to empty our mind by meditation.
 He also stressed that happiness start from not to have any possessions.
>>>  He also stressed that happiness starts from not having any possessions.
 I partially agree with it but I think we can control ourselves if we can solve basic needs.
>>>  I partially agree with it but I think we can control ourselves if we can solve our basic needs.
 We have heard a lot of stories about rich people that they are not always happy because humans' desires are infinite. 
>>> CORRECT
Rich people don't think that they are rich so they want to earn more money.
>>> CORRECT
 Rich people have a lot of conflicts with their family members because of money.
>>> CORRECT
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전문 분야를 제외한 회원님이 직접 작성한 글만
첨삭이 가능하며,

올려주신 글의 강사님 첨삭은 24시간 이내에
완료 되는 것을 원칙으로 하고 있습니다.
03
하루 게시 가능한 글은 3회까지 이며,
종료된 수업의 영작교정 게시판은
이용이 어려운 점 양해 부탁 드립니다.
04

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