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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
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The graph below shows tourism statistics among Venezuelian students from 2011 to 2014. Summarize the

작성자: 정*원
2021-03-04 3634

회원님의 영작문

The graph indicates changes of tourism statistics of Venezuelian students visited London, Paris, and Rome between the year 2011 and 2014. As clearly seen from the graph, the number of students visited Paris reached a high place at 20000 in 2013. However, the number of students visited Paris showed a downward trend from 20000 to 18000 between 2013 and 2014. The number of students visited Rome was the highest at approximately 1800 in the beginning of the period 2011 but it decreased significantly to 13000 in 2012. The number of students visited Rome showed up and down during 2 years after 2012.
In contrast, the number of students visited London increased gradually from 15000 in 2011 to nearly 20000 in 2014. It was overtaking the number of students visited Paris in 2014, showed a peak at approximately 20000 at the end of the research period.
Overall, the number of students visited Paris and London increased from 2011 to 2014. Meanwhile, the number of students visited Rome decreased.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi Young Won!

This is a very good and critical analysis of the graph that I directed you to refer to on the internet.

You are very good in analyzing the data. Take note that when we refer to people, we use 'who' so that we can refrain calling them "people" or make use of incorrect pronouns.

Thanks for doing this IELTS writing task.

See you in a couple of hours!

-T. Donna =)

The graph indicates changes of tourism statistics of Venezuelian students visited London, Paris, and Rome between the year 2011 and 2014. 
>> The graph indicates changes of tourism statistics of Venezuelian students who visited London, Paris, and Rome between the year 2011 and 2014. 

As clearly seen from the graph, the number of students visited Paris reached a high place at 20000 in 2013.
>> As clearly seen from the graph, the number of students who visited Paris reached at a high  at 20,000 in 2013.

However, the number of students visited Paris showed a downward trend from 20000 to 18000 between 2013 and 2014. 
>> However, the number of students who visited Paris showed a downward trend from 20,000 to 18,000 between 2013 and 2014.

The number of students visited Rome was the highest at approximately 1800 in the beginning of the period 2011 but it decreased significantly to 13000 in 2012. 
>> The number of students who visited Rome was the highest at approximately 1800 in the beginning of the period of 2011 but it decreased significantly to 13000 in 2012. 

The number of students visited Rome showed up and down during 2 years after 2012.
>> The number of students who visited Rome showed and up and down trend for 2 years after 2012.

In contrast, the number of students visited London increased gradually from 15000 in 2011 to nearly 20000 in 2014. It was overtaking the number of students visited Paris in 2014, showed a peak at approximately 20000 at the end of the research period.
>> In contrast, the number of students who visited London increased gradually from 15,000 in 2011 to nearly 20,000 in 2014. It was overtaking the number of students who visited Paris in 2014, and showed a peak at approximately 20,000 at the end of the research period.

Overall, the number of students visited Paris and London increased from 2011 to 2014. Meanwhile, the number of students visited Rome decreased.
>> Overall, the number of students who visited Paris and London increased from 2011 to 2014. Meanwhile, the number of students who visited Rome decreased.
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