¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Some people think it is better to spend and enjoy their money once they warn it. Others think it is

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Á¤*¿ø
2021-03-04 4627

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

People work hard to make money with dreaming something. Some people enjoy the money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again. And it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress in these days. They don't like think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.
However, Others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare great future.
Because, If people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost amount of money. Furthermore, saving money can provide a stable life when people encounter unexpected situations. Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything what they want. Sometimes people enjoy just dreaming about their future. Therefore, it is better to save money for their future.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening to you Young Won!

On this IELTS writing test, you have used effective transition words. Moreover, the examples are concrete and argue reasonably. At the end, you stated your overall stance and that is what I was talking about in class as we were ending the conversation- to end smoothly and give a wrap up of your discussion.

Slowly but surely, if we discuss the other types of writing patterns, you will definitely target your desired score. 

Thank you for always working smart and hard.

See you in class!

-T. Donna =)

People work hard to make money with dreaming something. 
>> People work hard to make money and dream to avail of something. 

Some people enjoy the money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again. 
>> Some people enjoy their money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again for the next. 

And it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress in these days. They don't like think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.
>> And, it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress those days. They don't like to think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.

However, Others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare great future.
>> However, others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare for  great future.

Because, If people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost amount of money. 
>> Because if people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost them a great amount of money. 

Furthermore, saving money can provide a stable life when people encounter unexpected situations. 
>> Correct!

Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything what they want. Sometimes people enjoy just dreaming about their future. 
>> Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything that they want. Sometimes, people enjoy just dreaming about their future. 

Therefore, it is better to save money for their future.
>> Correct!
Or: Therefore, it is better to save money for (our/ the) future.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
106770 Many Changes of My Thoughts Á¶*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-22 5
106769 Homework Àå*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-22 3929
106768 Which form of transport do you like taking most? ÇÏ*Á¶ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-22 3699
106767 Question 1: Is peer pressure beneficial or harmful? / Question... Çã*´Ã ¿Ï·á 2021-03-22 7
106766 What was the biggest challenge you faced when you stayed in... ±Ç*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-22 4030
106765 Giving an expensive gadget to a kid. ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-21 3733
106764 Can you tell a brief history of your hometown? Á¤*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-21 3522
106763 What is the biggest change this world needs? ±è*¿­ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-21 3812
106762 Govt. task force to summon LH officials over alleged land... À¯*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-21 1
106761 Homework ÀÌ*¾Ö ¿Ï·á 2021-03-21 8
106760 Jop losses continue for 12th month in Feb. amid pandemic À¯*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-21 2
106759 What is the biggest change this world needs? ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-21 2
106758 Is peer pressure beneficial or harmful? Explain your answer. ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-21 2
106757 A hard decision. ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-21 2
106756 New hobbies Á¤*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-21 3877
106755 Go to bed early before taking the test. ¾È*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-20 5
106754 Do the colors of the clothes we wear represent our mood ? ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-20 3007
106753 Do you think it would be a good idea to have 3 days worth of... ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-20 3
106752 Composition º¯*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-20 4
106751 grandparents house. ¾È*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-20 5

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04