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Some people think it is better to spend and enjoy their money once they warn it. Others think it is

작성자: 정*원
2021-03-04 4614

회원님의 영작문

People work hard to make money with dreaming something. Some people enjoy the money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again. And it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress in these days. They don't like think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.
However, Others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare great future.
Because, If people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost amount of money. Furthermore, saving money can provide a stable life when people encounter unexpected situations. Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything what they want. Sometimes people enjoy just dreaming about their future. Therefore, it is better to save money for their future.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good evening to you Young Won!

On this IELTS writing test, you have used effective transition words. Moreover, the examples are concrete and argue reasonably. At the end, you stated your overall stance and that is what I was talking about in class as we were ending the conversation- to end smoothly and give a wrap up of your discussion.

Slowly but surely, if we discuss the other types of writing patterns, you will definitely target your desired score. 

Thank you for always working smart and hard.

See you in class!

-T. Donna =)

People work hard to make money with dreaming something. 
>> People work hard to make money and dream to avail of something. 

Some people enjoy the money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again. 
>> Some people enjoy their money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again for the next. 

And it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress in these days. They don't like think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.
>> And, it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress those days. They don't like to think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.

However, Others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare great future.
>> However, others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare for  great future.

Because, If people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost amount of money. 
>> Because if people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost them a great amount of money. 

Furthermore, saving money can provide a stable life when people encounter unexpected situations. 
>> Correct!

Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything what they want. Sometimes people enjoy just dreaming about their future. 
>> Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything that they want. Sometimes, people enjoy just dreaming about their future. 

Therefore, it is better to save money for their future.
>> Correct!
Or: Therefore, it is better to save money for (our/ the) future.
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03
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