¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Some people think it is better to spend and enjoy their money once they warn it. Others think it is

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Á¤*¿ø
2021-03-04 4594

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

People work hard to make money with dreaming something. Some people enjoy the money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again. And it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress in these days. They don't like think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.
However, Others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare great future.
Because, If people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost amount of money. Furthermore, saving money can provide a stable life when people encounter unexpected situations. Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything what they want. Sometimes people enjoy just dreaming about their future. Therefore, it is better to save money for their future.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening to you Young Won!

On this IELTS writing test, you have used effective transition words. Moreover, the examples are concrete and argue reasonably. At the end, you stated your overall stance and that is what I was talking about in class as we were ending the conversation- to end smoothly and give a wrap up of your discussion.

Slowly but surely, if we discuss the other types of writing patterns, you will definitely target your desired score. 

Thank you for always working smart and hard.

See you in class!

-T. Donna =)

People work hard to make money with dreaming something. 
>> People work hard to make money and dream to avail of something. 

Some people enjoy the money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again. 
>> Some people enjoy their money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again for the next. 

And it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress in these days. They don't like think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.
>> And, it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress those days. They don't like to think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.

However, Others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare great future.
>> However, others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare for  great future.

Because, If people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost amount of money. 
>> Because if people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost them a great amount of money. 

Furthermore, saving money can provide a stable life when people encounter unexpected situations. 
>> Correct!

Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything what they want. Sometimes people enjoy just dreaming about their future. 
>> Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything that they want. Sometimes, people enjoy just dreaming about their future. 

Therefore, it is better to save money for their future.
>> Correct!
Or: Therefore, it is better to save money for (our/ the) future.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
106312 Teacher Â÷*ºó ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 4403
106311 HOMEWORK ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 3980
106310 Monday homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 4084
106309 In 100 years from now, how different do you think the natural... ¹Ú*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 4413
106308 New Lesson ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 3614
106307 Write about a time when you had an annoying incident. ¿À*°æ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 4414
106306 My priorities in looking for a job °­*±¸ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 3876
106305 Seoul\'s population falls below 10 million for the first time in... À¯*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 1
106304 Homework ±Ý*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 2
106303 It is generally believed that some people are born with certain... Á¤*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 4211
106302 In 100 years from now, how different do you think the natural... Çã*´Ã ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 3
106301 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 1
106300 L... ¹®*°æ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 5
106299 In 100 years from now, how different do you think the natural... ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 0
106298 homework ÀÌ*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 4077
106297 My response is.. Á¶*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 4260
106296 The reason why English is fluency significant for me °­*±¸ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 4199
106295 My memorable trip À¯*¸° ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 3
106294 Homework ÀÌ*¾Ö ¿Ï·á 2021-03-08 3
106293 Homework! À¯*¿¹ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-07 4676

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04