¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Some people think it is better to spend and enjoy their money once they warn it. Others think it is

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Á¤*¿ø
2021-03-04 4589

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

People work hard to make money with dreaming something. Some people enjoy the money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again. And it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress in these days. They don't like think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.
However, Others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare great future.
Because, If people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost amount of money. Furthermore, saving money can provide a stable life when people encounter unexpected situations. Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything what they want. Sometimes people enjoy just dreaming about their future. Therefore, it is better to save money for their future.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening to you Young Won!

On this IELTS writing test, you have used effective transition words. Moreover, the examples are concrete and argue reasonably. At the end, you stated your overall stance and that is what I was talking about in class as we were ending the conversation- to end smoothly and give a wrap up of your discussion.

Slowly but surely, if we discuss the other types of writing patterns, you will definitely target your desired score. 

Thank you for always working smart and hard.

See you in class!

-T. Donna =)

People work hard to make money with dreaming something. 
>> People work hard to make money and dream to avail of something. 

Some people enjoy the money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again. 
>> Some people enjoy their money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again for the next. 

And it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress in these days. They don't like think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.
>> And, it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress those days. They don't like to think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.

However, Others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare great future.
>> However, others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare for  great future.

Because, If people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost amount of money. 
>> Because if people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost them a great amount of money. 

Furthermore, saving money can provide a stable life when people encounter unexpected situations. 
>> Correct!

Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything what they want. Sometimes people enjoy just dreaming about their future. 
>> Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything that they want. Sometimes, people enjoy just dreaming about their future. 

Therefore, it is better to save money for their future.
>> Correct!
Or: Therefore, it is better to save money for (our/ the) future.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
106212 Hi º¯*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 4346
106211 Could you check my writing? Á¤*ö ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 4074
106210 homework ÀÌ*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 4918
106209 What is the most important characteristic to have when working... ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 4251
106208 What makes a city great to live in? Are cities good for the... È«*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 1
106207 What are the advantages and disadvantages of using social media... ¹Ú*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 4593
106206 What are you thoughts about having face to face classes even if... Çã*´Ã ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 4
106205 What are the comedy movies you have seen? ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 5231
106204 The graph below shows tourism statistics among Venezuelian... Á¤*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 3632
106203 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 2
106202 If you went to school again, what would you do differently? ±è*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 4661
106201 Face to face class ¼³*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 3987
106200 check please ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2021-03-04 4460
106199 HOMEWORK FOR 03.03 Á¤*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-03 4107
106198 Homework ÀÌ*¾Ö ¿Ï·á 2021-03-03 5
106197 What do you like about cats? ±è*¿¹ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-03 0
106196 Homework (233) ¹Ú*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-03 3621
106195 [03/03]Homework ¹Ú*¹ü ¿Ï·á 2021-03-03 3
106194 How can we be more confident in looks? ±è*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-03 1
106193 How dangerous or safe are amusement park rides or attractions? Ȳ*Á¶ ¿Ï·á 2021-03-03 4118

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04