¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Some people think it is better to spend and enjoy their money once they warn it. Others think it is

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Á¤*¿ø
2021-03-04 4615

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

People work hard to make money with dreaming something. Some people enjoy the money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again. And it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress in these days. They don't like think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.
However, Others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare great future.
Because, If people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost amount of money. Furthermore, saving money can provide a stable life when people encounter unexpected situations. Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything what they want. Sometimes people enjoy just dreaming about their future. Therefore, it is better to save money for their future.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening to you Young Won!

On this IELTS writing test, you have used effective transition words. Moreover, the examples are concrete and argue reasonably. At the end, you stated your overall stance and that is what I was talking about in class as we were ending the conversation- to end smoothly and give a wrap up of your discussion.

Slowly but surely, if we discuss the other types of writing patterns, you will definitely target your desired score. 

Thank you for always working smart and hard.

See you in class!

-T. Donna =)

People work hard to make money with dreaming something. 
>> People work hard to make money and dream to avail of something. 

Some people enjoy the money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again. 
>> Some people enjoy their money once they earn it. They can get a strong motivation from spending money to work hard again for the next. 

And it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress in these days. They don't like think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.
>> And, it is common that young people go to a short trip every year to release their stress those days. They don't like to think about the future. Enjoying today is more important for them.

However, Others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare great future.
>> However, others prefer to save their money to enjoy it in the future. I agree with them who save money to prepare for  great future.

Because, If people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost amount of money. 
>> Because if people had a big purpose, it would not come true easily. It will take a long time and cost them a great amount of money. 

Furthermore, saving money can provide a stable life when people encounter unexpected situations. 
>> Correct!

Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything what they want. Sometimes people enjoy just dreaming about their future. 
>> Also, It gives people possibilities to do anything that they want. Sometimes, people enjoy just dreaming about their future. 

Therefore, it is better to save money for their future.
>> Correct!
Or: Therefore, it is better to save money for (our/ the) future.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
106033 M... ¹®*°æ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-26 2
106032 Do you like to try new restaurants, or do you prefer to go to... ³ë*ÀÌ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-26 2
106031 HOMEWORK FOR 02.25 Á¤*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-26 1592
106030 The reason why it does matter to me when people ask my age Á¶*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 2
106029 Do you think aliens exist? Why? ±è*À» ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 1379
106028 WRT ¾È*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 3
106027 To protect ourselves from being a victim of a crime. ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 1274
106026 Homework ÀÌ*¾Ö ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 4
106025 What do you think is the animal that they shouldn\'t use for... ±è*¿¹ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 0
106024 WRT ¾È*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 4
106023 Everything has ambivalence. ÀÌ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 3350
106022 Homework (229) ¹Ú*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 3667
106021 Are there days when you just enjoy having a good cry for no... ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 4102
106020 grammar ¼Õ*¸² ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 2673
106019 Why do we need clothes? ±è*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 3319
106018 Homework0225 ±è*Çö ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 3141
106017 What was the last tragic? È«*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 1
106016 Homework °­*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 3511
106015 Correct answer. º¯*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 3661
106014 Is having a convenience store near your house good? Why? ¼Û*·É ¿Ï·á 2021-02-25 4113

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04