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영작교정 게시판

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The ratio of poverty is increasing worldwide. What are the reasons for world poverty? What can be do

작성자: 황*하
2021-03-15 4208

회원님의 영작문

I think it is deeply related with the capitalism and elitism that cause serious polarization. Most countries consider that democracy is the best system for human because people can be equal regardless race and have a chance to get education. However, this system has created a lot of social problem. We all know if we graduate the well-known university, our life will be successful. But we have to realize the difference of starting point. Children who are born with silver spoon would get the best education based on their wealth. On the other hands, children who are not rich might have problem to eat, so many people give up to study because they have to work for their family. The equality of chance seems like attractive but contain a lot of disadvantages. It sometime make people disappointed because if they fail to do something, it looks like it's because of their fault even though it's because of the structure problem. So, our society have to think about better system for us to solve it

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there Mr. Hwang~! ^^  
The people who achieve incredible success in the world aren’t always the most naturally brilliant but rather, are the hardest workers.
Encourage yourself to roll up your sleeves and put in the effort with empowering hard work.
“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.”
Keep yourself on track. ~! ^^
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
I think it is deeply related with the capitalism and elitism that cause serious polarization. 
>>> I think it is deeply related to the capitalism and elitism that cause serious polarization. 
Most countries consider that democracy is the best system for human because people can be equal regardless race and have a chance to get education. 
>>> Most countries consider that democracy is the best system for human because people can be equal regardless of race and  a chance to get education. 
However, this system has created a lot of social problem. 
>>> However, this system has created a lot of social problems. 
We all know if we graduate the well-known university, our life will be successful. 
>>> We all know that if we graduate from a well-known university, our life will be successful. 
But we have to realize the difference of the starting point. 
>>> CORRECT
Children who are born with silver spoon would get the best education based on their wealth. 
>>> CORRECT
On the other hands, children who are not rich might have problem to eat, so many people give up to study because they have to work for their family.
>>> CORRECT
 The equality of chance seems like attractive but contains a lot of disadvantages.
>>> CORRECT
 It sometime make people disappointed because if they fail to do something, it looks like it's because of their fault even though it's because of the structure problem.
>>> CORRECT
 So, our society have to think about a better system for us to solve.
>>> CORRECT
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