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영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
회원님들께 무료로 제공해드리는 부가 서비스로, 전문 분야를 제외한 자유 주제
또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

Do you want to be exceptionally skilled in one area or have a lot of little skills that you’re prett

작성자: 문*현
2021-04-20 595

회원님의 영작문

I expect myself to be more knowledgeable in the finance sector. I majored in international finance, concentrated explicitly on global banking at university to launch my future career in the relevant field. After graduation, I worked with financial professionals as clients, but most of the work was related to answering their inquiries and gathering information for future sales opportunities. I even had to handle angry customers by listening to their complaints few times per day, which seem irrelevant to work. Accordingly, I will be resigning this week because I lost motivation at work. I hope my future job is related to conducting deep analysis and delivering meaningful insight in a fast-paced financial market.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Here's your corrected composition, Aciel! See you later!

Cheers, 
Jean~~



I expect myself to be more knowledgeable in the finance sector.
>> correct

 I majored in international finance, concentrated explicitly on global banking at university to launch my future career in the relevant field. 
>> I majored in international finance, and concentrated explicitly on global banking at university to launch my future career in the relevant field. 

After graduation, I worked with financial professionals as clients, but most of the work was related to answering their inquiries and gathering information for future sales opportunities. 
>> After graduation, I worked with financial professionals as clients... (This is an ambiguous clause cos it seems that you were the client even though the phrase "as clients" followed "financial professionals". Consider the following changes.) After graduation, I worked with financial professionals as a consultant but most of the work was related to answering their queries and gathering information for future sales opportunities. 

I even had to handle angry customers by listening to their complaints few times per day, which seem irrelevant to work. 
>> (This sentence somehow implies a complaint on your part about having the need to handle such clients. Consider the sentence below.)
>> I even handled angry customers by listening to their complaints and rants a few times per day, which may seem irrelevant to work but in fact, this further honed my communication skills. 

Accordingly, I will be resigning this week because I lost motivation at work. 
>> (Again, another complaint. This sentence sounds quite negative and would discourage your potential employer from hiring you. Consider changing the reason for your resignation. HR people wouldn't want to hear this kind of reason even though it's a common one.)

I hope my future job is related to conducting deep analysis and delivering meaningful insight in a fast-paced financial market.
>> correct
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03
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