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Do you think that women should also join the military there in Korea? Why or why not?

작성자: 류*주
2021-04-27 748

회원님의 영작문

I don't know actually but as my opinion, I think it's better to join the military women too.
In the past, there was the system that if men go to military, they can get some extra points.
But this system was abolished because of gender discrimination by some people.
And also almost system about getting points about going to military, were abolished too.
And I think it is fair to join the military women too, but the goverment don't doing this.
They think about the system of getting adventages because of military is the gender discrimination, but they don't think that women not going to military is the gender discrimination.
So In my opinion, if the goverment thinking the gender discrimination is bad thing, they have to change the system about going to military just a men.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi John! Women joining the military has been a big controversy in South Korea. There has been speculations that it promotes gender inequality. I think that they should allow women to join the military but not mandatorily. Only the volunteers shall enter it because some women are not capable of doing things like that. If you have the ability, then you can. But if you don't, it's fine. :) Thanks for sharing your opinion. 

Thank you for making an effort in answering your homework for today. You did an awesome job! I'm so proud of you. Please read all the corrections I wrote down below and analyze them. I know you can do it. See you soon!

In the past, there was the system that if men go to military, they can get some extra points.
>>>CORRECT

But this system was abolished because of gender discrimination by some people.
>> CORERCT

And also almost system about getting points about going to military, were abolished too.
>>>Most systems about getting points from serving the military, were abolished too.

And I think it is fair to join the military women too, but the goverment don't doing this.
>>I think it would be fair if women join the military too but the government is not allowing it. 

They think about the system of getting adventages because of military is the gender discrimination, but they don't think that women not going to military is the gender discrimination.
>>They are thinking the advantages and disadvantages because of gender discrimination. The government thinks that not allowing women to join the military is gender discrimination. 

So In my opinion, if the goverment thinking the gender discrimination is bad thing, they have to change the system about going to military just a men.
>>So in my opinion, if the government thinks gender discrimination is a bad thing, they have to change the system of mandatory military service. 

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