¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Homework: Do you believe that people must work hard to become successful? Why or why not?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¼º
2021-04-28 747

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

The criteria of success can be interpreted in different ways for each person.
But, generally, my opinion of this agenda is, I don't think all people who work hard can be successful, but I believe working hard is essential to result successfully.
Based on my experiences, as more work as I had, I could have more clear insight, and get used to doing a task as time goes by.
Besides, that kind of experience can give us some different ways of point of view which helps us to find the right direction.
For example, regarding a situation where an issue has occurred, the experiences which were originated by our effort during hard-working for troubleshooting could be helpful to resolve.
However, despite the hard-working, some people may struggle to achieve their own target. And, I think it's due to the wrong direction of their effort.
So, in the condition of the right direction, I believe someone who works hard for their task, can be successful as long as they keep concentrating.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Nicely done, Homer!~ 

Thank you for submitting a composition.
You will find the corrections of this composition at the bottom of this field. 
I will also be checking your script from this composition board. 
Have a good day!~ 


~t. Ally


------------------------------

The criteria of success can be interpreted in different ways for each person.
>> CORRECT!

But, generally, my opinion of this agenda is, I don't think all people who work hard can be successful, but I believe working hard is essential to result successfully.
>> But, generally, my opinion on this agenda is, I don't think all people who work hard can be successful, but I believe that working hard is essential to being successful. 

Based on my experiences, as more work as I had, I could have more clear insight, and get used to doing a task as time goes by.
>> Based on my experiences, the more work I had, the clearer my insight became, and I got used to doing a task as time went on.

Besides, that kind of experience can give us some different ways of point of view which helps us to find the right direction.
>> Besides that, that kind of experience can give us a different point of view which then helps us find the right direction.

For example, regarding a situation where an issue has occurred, the experiences which were originated by our effort during hard-working for troubleshooting could be helpful to resolve.
>> For example, if a situation where an issue occurs happens, the experiences a person has gained from their efforts of hard work in troubleshooting something could be helpful to resolve the situation.

However, despite the hard-working, some people may struggle to achieve their own target. And, I think it's due to the wrong direction of their effort.
>> However, despite their hard work, some people may still struggle to achieve their own target, and I think it's due to the wrong direction of their effort.

So, in the condition of the right direction, I believe someone who works hard for their task, can be successful as long as they keep concentrating.
>> CORRECT!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
107421 What skill do you want to learn in the future and why? ÀÌ*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 542
107420 What comes to mind when you hear the word new ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 371
107419 Yes! I saw it!! ±è*¶û ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 454
107418 Homework {04/12} Â÷*ºó ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 558
107417 What is your favorite commercial? ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 490
107416 HOMEWORK ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 1020
107415 What skill do you want to learn in the future and why? ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 0
107414 Monday homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 492
107413 What skill do you want to learn in the future and why? Çã*´Ã ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 0
107412 How do you greet your family and friends? Á¤*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 514
107411 The situation of Corona Virus in your country ¿À*°æ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 574
107410 Do you like watching documentaries? Why or why not? ¼Û*·É ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 514
107409 I want to live near the ocean ¾È*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 7
107408 I\'m a little picky about food. ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 642
107407 Interview 6 ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 2
107406 Interview 5 ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 2
107405 SMILE ANSWER º¯*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 593
107404 Interview 4 ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 1
107403 Homwork ÀÓ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 8
107402 Homework📝 ¹Ú*¸® ¿Ï·á 2021-04-12 471

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04