¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Homework: Do you believe that people must work hard to become successful? Why or why not?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¼º
2021-04-28 768

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

The criteria of success can be interpreted in different ways for each person.
But, generally, my opinion of this agenda is, I don't think all people who work hard can be successful, but I believe working hard is essential to result successfully.
Based on my experiences, as more work as I had, I could have more clear insight, and get used to doing a task as time goes by.
Besides, that kind of experience can give us some different ways of point of view which helps us to find the right direction.
For example, regarding a situation where an issue has occurred, the experiences which were originated by our effort during hard-working for troubleshooting could be helpful to resolve.
However, despite the hard-working, some people may struggle to achieve their own target. And, I think it's due to the wrong direction of their effort.
So, in the condition of the right direction, I believe someone who works hard for their task, can be successful as long as they keep concentrating.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Nicely done, Homer!~ 

Thank you for submitting a composition.
You will find the corrections of this composition at the bottom of this field. 
I will also be checking your script from this composition board. 
Have a good day!~ 


~t. Ally


------------------------------

The criteria of success can be interpreted in different ways for each person.
>> CORRECT!

But, generally, my opinion of this agenda is, I don't think all people who work hard can be successful, but I believe working hard is essential to result successfully.
>> But, generally, my opinion on this agenda is, I don't think all people who work hard can be successful, but I believe that working hard is essential to being successful. 

Based on my experiences, as more work as I had, I could have more clear insight, and get used to doing a task as time goes by.
>> Based on my experiences, the more work I had, the clearer my insight became, and I got used to doing a task as time went on.

Besides, that kind of experience can give us some different ways of point of view which helps us to find the right direction.
>> Besides that, that kind of experience can give us a different point of view which then helps us find the right direction.

For example, regarding a situation where an issue has occurred, the experiences which were originated by our effort during hard-working for troubleshooting could be helpful to resolve.
>> For example, if a situation where an issue occurs happens, the experiences a person has gained from their efforts of hard work in troubleshooting something could be helpful to resolve the situation.

However, despite the hard-working, some people may struggle to achieve their own target. And, I think it's due to the wrong direction of their effort.
>> However, despite their hard work, some people may still struggle to achieve their own target, and I think it's due to the wrong direction of their effort.

So, in the condition of the right direction, I believe someone who works hard for their task, can be successful as long as they keep concentrating.
>> CORRECT!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
107252 Homework ¾ç*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-04-07 0
107251 Composition º¯*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-07 0
107250 During an interview, what will you do if one of the interviewer... À¯*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 2
107249 we can learn many thing about our life cause we can get a... À¯*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 743
107248 My proudest moment. ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 578
107247 What stresses you the most and how to you handle it? ¹Ú*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 975
107246 Which one would you rather use as your main source of... ±è*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 664
107245 What made you like NCT aside from their looks? ±è*¿¹ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 0
107244 Homework (256) ¹Ú*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 601
107243 Healthy food. ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 2
107242 In your opinion, what is the healthiest Korean dish? ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 790
107241 Who is your role model in your life? Why? Á¤*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 0
107240 How do you make time for your family? ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 486
107239 Homework ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 442
107238 I.. Á¤*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 1
107237 I... Á¤*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 0
107236 [04/05]Homework ¹Ú*¹ü ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 2
107235 TASK ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 582
107234 ¿µÀÛ ¼÷Á¦ ÀÌ*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 517
107233 Homeless people ÀÌ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-04-06 515

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04