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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
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ielts task 1 bar graph

작성자: 이*구
2021-08-18 409

회원님의 영작문



the chart shows the percentage of internet users by age group in canada who shopped online in 2014 and 2018.

The amount of online shopping rises in every age group as four years passed, especially in the 35~45 group. They are the only group to reach over 35% in the chart.
In 2014, group 26~35 was the highest of all, but lost their first place to group 35~45.
In contrast, group over 65 was the lowest in both year, not reaching over 15%

Moreover, all age group increases their online shopping range for four years. In age group 35~45, almost 10% has added and reah the highest point of all the groups in 2018. In other hand, 26~35 group was slow, not more than 3%. While in group over 65, they reah lowest two times but the rate increases almost double from 7% to 12%.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hello there Ian!

It is so great to finally see you here on the composition page! Your IELTS writing answer is very systematic. Even if I cannot see the chart clearly, I think that you have been able to highlight the most important details and discuss them fully below. Remember that you may not necessarily place all of the data or numbers in your discussion. All you need to emphasize is the salient parts or the most obvious discrepancies found in this chart.

Congratulations for this output! I hope to read more of your answers soon. See you in class!

-T. Donna =)

the chart shows the percentage of internet users by age group in canada who shopped online in 2014 and 2018.
>> The chart shows the percentage of Internet users by age group in Canada who shopped online in 2014 and 2018.

The amount of online shopping rises in every age group as four years passed, especially in the 35~45 group. 
>> The amount of online shopping rose in every age group as four years passed especially in the 35~45 age group. 

They are the only group to reach over 35% in the chart.
>> Correct!

In 2014, group 26~35 was the highest of all, but lost their first place to group 35~45.
>> In 2014, the age group 26~35 was the highest of all, but was overtaken by the 35~45 age group in 2018.

In contrast, group over 65 was the lowest in both year, not reaching over 15%
>> In contrast, the group over 65 was the lowest in both years, not reaching over 15%.

Moreover, all age group increases their online shopping range for four years. 
>> Moreover, all age groups increased their online shopping range for four years. 

In age group 35~45, almost 10% has added and reah the highest point of all the groups in 2018. 
>> In the age group of 35~45, almost 10% has added and reached the highest point of all the groups in 2018. 

In other hand, 26~35 group was slow, not more than 3%. 
>> On the other hand, the 26~35 age group was low with not more than 3%. 

While in group over 65, they reah lowest two times but the rate increases almost double from 7% to 12%.
>> While in the group of over 65, they reached the lowest two times but the rate increased almost double from 7% to 12%.
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