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The Death Toll In Denali Increases, Which Happens Normal Impatience

작성자: 홍*혜
2021-08-23 453

회원님의 영작문



Hello, Elsa.
Here is my homework.
I watched the movie you recommended.
Let's talk about it later.
Bye

Ange

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Ange,
How was the movie? I hope you like it.
Thanks for sending me your composition, by the way. ^^
~ Elsa
There have already been two death cases this season while North America’s highest peak, Denali, is normalized. The death accident of climbing on Denali is really rare recently.  There was one death accident in 2017. 
>> CORRECT.
Climbing permit was issued to total 984 people in 2021. 487 or half of the people had climbed until June and 44% had reached the top.
>>  A climbing permit was issued to a total of 984 people in 2021. 487 or half of the people had climbed until June and 44% had reached the top.
 Denali National Park expressed concern over the recently increasing death rate and said that there might have been causes for two new climbing trends.
>> CORRECT.
OR >>  Denali National Park expressed concerns over the recently increasing death rate and said that there might have been causes for two new climbing trends.
First, people started to climb from the previous camp (4,267 meters) rather than the previous final camp (5,182 meters). Second, a climbing party is disassembled for injury and any other reasons and tends to climb again with other climbing party met at the scene.
>> First, people started to climb from the previous camp (4,267 meters) rather than the previous final camp (5,182 meters). Second, a climbing party is disassembled for injury and any other reasons and tends to climb again with other climbing parties met at the scene.
Except for that reason, other reasons such as exhaustion, inexperiencing lofty mountain, sudden weather change and poor equipment cause the accidents. 
>>  Aside from that reason, other reasons such as exhaustion, being inexperienced in lofty mountains, sudden weather change, and poor equipment cause the accidents. 
The cases saved by national park rescue team Between early and mid-June were two people who were rescued from the tent blown by the strong wind, three rescued people who depart from the camp (4,267 meters) to the top and four people who showed signs of pulmonary edema while hurrying up to the top.  
>> The cases saved by the national park rescue team between early and mid-June were two people who were rescued from the tent blown by the strong wind, three rescued people who depart from the camp (4,267 meters) to the top, and four people who showed signs of pulmonary edema while hurrying up to the top. 
 The increasing number of population to reach the seven highest peaks causes the number of accident.
>>  The increasing number of population to reach the seven highest peaks causes the number of accidents.
 Denali peak is the only mountain where mountaineers climb with all their luggage among seven peaks. They divided a total of more than 45 kilograms of their luggage into six to four pieces on backpacks and sleds, which are unfamiliar to many people. 
>>   Denali peak is the only mountain where mountaineers climb with all their luggage among seven peaks They divide more than 45 kilograms of their luggage into six to four pieces on backpacks and sleds, which are unfamiliar to many people.  

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