¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Music is vital for me

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¿ì
2021-09-20 331

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Music is not vital for someone, however music is vital for many people. For example, In movie, music is vital things.If there isn't music the movie will be boring. Or, If music isn't exist then we can't relax music anymore. Peaceful music gives us lots of relaxing, so music can treat our spirit.
In my case, I relaxed by music and study with music. Music makes my brain pay attention something more. So I think music is vital for my life.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Music is not vital for someone, however music is vital for many people.
>> Music is not vital for everybody; however, it is vital for many people.

For example, In movie, music is vital things.
>> in addition, it is vital in movies.

If there isn't music the movie will be boring.
>> If there weren't music, movies would be boring.

Or, If music isn't exist then we can't relax music anymore. 
>> Moreover, if it didn't exist, we couldn't relax anymore.

Peaceful music gives us lots of relaxing, so music can treat our spirit.
>>Relaxing music calms us, so it can treat our spirits.

In my case, I relaxed by music and study with music. 
>> In my case, I relax by listening to music, and I study with music.

Music makes my brain pay attention something more. 
>> It makes my brain pay attention to something more. 

So I think music is vital for my life.
>> So I think music is vital for my life.

Hi, Daniel! Thank you for doing your homework during your vacation.  I hope you had a great one. 

You can use pronouns instead of writing the same nouns over and over. 
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
112100 Which one do you think is better, being a boss or being a... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 357
112099 Friday homeowrk ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 369
112098 Do you visit museums when you go to another city? Why or why not? ³ë*ÀÌ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 1
112097 HOMEWORK ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 599
112096 Even though doctors advise old people to get more exercise, many... Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 278
112095 Homework °­*¼± ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 770
112094 HW ±è*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 2
112093 School ±â*Çö ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 379
112092 Do you mind rumors? Why or why not? ¼Û*·É ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 312
112091 What programs do you usually watch on TV? À±*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 763
112090 People generally know that the environment is important.... Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 812
112089 Homework ÀÌ*¼± ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 1
112088 Homework ÀÓ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 1
112087 What do you like about studying? ¼Û*·É ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 317
112086 North Korea Test-fires Long-Range Cruise Missle, State Media Says À¯*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 1
112085 Tuesday, September 14, 2021 Claire ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 337
112084 35th homework Á¤*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 2
112083 mandatory collection of school ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 315
112082 Which of your friends or family posts the most entertaining... ±è*ÀÓ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 367
112081 e-mail correction ¹Ú*±¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04