¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Music is vital for me

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¿ì
2021-09-20 425

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Music is not vital for someone, however music is vital for many people. For example, In movie, music is vital things.If there isn't music the movie will be boring. Or, If music isn't exist then we can't relax music anymore. Peaceful music gives us lots of relaxing, so music can treat our spirit.
In my case, I relaxed by music and study with music. Music makes my brain pay attention something more. So I think music is vital for my life.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Music is not vital for someone, however music is vital for many people.
>> Music is not vital for everybody; however, it is vital for many people.

For example, In movie, music is vital things.
>> in addition, it is vital in movies.

If there isn't music the movie will be boring.
>> If there weren't music, movies would be boring.

Or, If music isn't exist then we can't relax music anymore. 
>> Moreover, if it didn't exist, we couldn't relax anymore.

Peaceful music gives us lots of relaxing, so music can treat our spirit.
>>Relaxing music calms us, so it can treat our spirits.

In my case, I relaxed by music and study with music. 
>> In my case, I relax by listening to music, and I study with music.

Music makes my brain pay attention something more. 
>> It makes my brain pay attention to something more. 

So I think music is vital for my life.
>> So I think music is vital for my life.

Hi, Daniel! Thank you for doing your homework during your vacation.  I hope you had a great one. 

You can use pronouns instead of writing the same nouns over and over. 
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
111012 How do you protect your privacy with your phone and social media... Á¤*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 410
111011 HOMEWORK °­*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 365
111010 1st homework ±è*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 4
111009 Homework °­*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 618
111008 Homework °­*¼± ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 334
111007 What are your priorities in getting a job? Á¶*¾Ö ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 1
111006 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 0
111005 Page 43 ¿À*Àº ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 382
111004 homework ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 1
111003 homework ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 1
111002 homework ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 2
111001 Fill in the blanks ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 355
111000 homework ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 1
110999 page 43 ä*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 440
110998 Civil War In Afghanistan Â÷*ºó ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 289
110997 I\'m more comfortable about boys. ±è*¶û ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 465
110996 I want to change something... ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 4
110995 Why do you think body language is important? ·ù*ÁÖ ÁøÇàÁß 2021-08-18 820
110994 Homework Àü*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 337
110993 Our health ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-18 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04