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영작교정 게시판

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Games are not just games

작성자: 김*랑
2021-09-30 311

회원님의 영작문



I think the reason boys swear more than girls is because of games. Most of the boys play games at home or in a PC room, but in this PC room, many people are use it, and it's because they're all doing it together, so there's no choice but to swear a lot. In particular, most of the game played by boys have a lot of violent scenes and there are a lot of games with swords, so there is a lot of possibility of being addicted and tempted. Such violence and addictive do not only occur in games, can also spread to everyday life. The profanity and violence that was colored in online games can spread to things beyond what students do, such as school violence and cigarettes in everyday life.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there, Maria!
(^__^)

I tried my best to simplify your sentences. Some are very long with unnecessary words and some aren't parallel.
Still, you did great in expressing your thoughts regarding the given topic. I am not a fan of video/mobile games, too.
Thank you for finding time to do your homework. Have a good night!

__T. Mayleen :)


I think the reason boys swear more than girls is because of games.
>>> CORRECT
Most of the boys play games at home or in a PC room, but in this PC room, many people are use it, and it's because they're all doing it together, so there's no choice but to swear a lot.
>>> Most boys play games at home or at a PC room, but in PC rooms there are many people playing. They adapt the habit of swearing at their virtual playmates especially when they hear it a lot from others.
In particular, most of the game played by boys have a lot of violent scenes and there are a lot of games with swords, so there is a lot of possibility of being addicted and tempted.
>>> In particular, most of the games played by boys show a lot of violent scenes such as games with swords, so there is a big possibility of them becoming violent.
Such violence and addictive do not only occur in games, can also spread to everyday life.
>>> Such violence and addiction do not only occur in games, but in real life, too.
The profanity and violence that was colored in online games can spread to things beyond what students do, such as school violence and cigarettes in everyday life.
>>> The profanity and violence that's included in online games can spread to things beyond what students do, such as school violence and smoking cigarettes in their everyday life.
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