¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Crimes 2

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÃÖ*Á¤
2021-10-01 282

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In your opinion, how can we eradicate petty crimes in society?

I would say that the society atmosphere is important. Severe crimes are quite affected by punishment, but as for petty crimes, moral sense can affect as well. If society has clear moral criteria and If it is highly recommended to members, It will effective to lessen minor crimes.
And another method I can mention is installing CCTV in where crimes happen a lot :)

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening, Yu Jeong! 

Thank you for answering the Composition question. :) 

Here's my comments for your work: 

Question: In your opinion, how can we eradicate petty crimes in society?

Your answer: I would say that the society atmosphere is important. Severe crimes are quite affected by punishment, but as for petty crimes, moral sense can affect as well. If society has clear moral criteria and If it is highly recommended to members, It will effective to lessen minor crimes. And another method I can mention is installing CCTV in where crimes happen a lot :)

>> I would say that the society atmosphere is important. Severe crimes are quite affected by punishment, but as for petty crimes, moral sense can affect as well. If society has a clear moral criteria and if it is highly observed by the members of society, it will be an effective way to lessen minor crimes. Also, another method that I will mention is the installation of CCTV cameras in areas where crimes happen a lot. 

----

Loved your ideas! As you can see, only a few minor corrections, mostly on word/ phrase usage, punctuation and capitalization of words. Your ideas are coherent and you have expressed them very well. Kudos! 

See you later in class! 

~Miya^^
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
112726 I don\'t have any idea:( ÀÌ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2021-10-11 203
112725 Nick name À±*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-10-11 2
112724 What drink do you often have but best avoided? ¼­*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-10-11 240
112723 why I don\'t have long hair ±è*¼º ¿Ï·á 2021-10-11 245
112722 Do you consider yourself a creative person? Why? ±Ç*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-10-10 222
112721 Why king Sejong invented Hangul? ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2021-10-10 2
112720 How do you maintain your good skills? ÁÖ*¼® ¿Ï·á 2021-10-10 1
112719 Do you think that the news is necessary? Why or why not? ³ë*ÀÌ ¿Ï·á 2021-10-10 5
112718 Walking ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-10-10 2
112717 Colors ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-10-10 2
112716 10.08 homework ÀÓ*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-10-10 2
112715 Homework ¹æ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-10-10 159
112714 writing homework ¾È*ºó ¿Ï·á 2021-10-10 215
112713 What will you do if you don¡¯t get this job? ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2021-10-09 206
112712 The clear instruction to someone À¯*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-10-09 468
112711 What are the things you\'re going to do when you retire? ÇÏ*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-10-09 248
112710 Which amongst all the advice of Donald Trump can you live by... ¾È*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-10-08 1
112709 What part of your body or face is your favorite? ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-10-08 247
112708 What is good about renting something? ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-10-08 228
112707 How to greet in Korea. ¾ç*Àº ¿Ï·á 2021-10-08 484

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04