¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Crimes 2

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÃÖ*Á¤
2021-10-01 309

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In your opinion, how can we eradicate petty crimes in society?

I would say that the society atmosphere is important. Severe crimes are quite affected by punishment, but as for petty crimes, moral sense can affect as well. If society has clear moral criteria and If it is highly recommended to members, It will effective to lessen minor crimes.
And another method I can mention is installing CCTV in where crimes happen a lot :)

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening, Yu Jeong! 

Thank you for answering the Composition question. :) 

Here's my comments for your work: 

Question: In your opinion, how can we eradicate petty crimes in society?

Your answer: I would say that the society atmosphere is important. Severe crimes are quite affected by punishment, but as for petty crimes, moral sense can affect as well. If society has clear moral criteria and If it is highly recommended to members, It will effective to lessen minor crimes. And another method I can mention is installing CCTV in where crimes happen a lot :)

>> I would say that the society atmosphere is important. Severe crimes are quite affected by punishment, but as for petty crimes, moral sense can affect as well. If society has a clear moral criteria and if it is highly observed by the members of society, it will be an effective way to lessen minor crimes. Also, another method that I will mention is the installation of CCTV cameras in areas where crimes happen a lot. 

----

Loved your ideas! As you can see, only a few minor corrections, mostly on word/ phrase usage, punctuation and capitalization of words. Your ideas are coherent and you have expressed them very well. Kudos! 

See you later in class! 

~Miya^^
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
112179 Friend ±â*Çö ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 227
112178 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 1
112177 My homework Àü*¼± ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 232
112176 you could take a vacation a vacation anywhere in the world for... ÀÌ*¶÷ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 4
112175 Howework ±Ç*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 6
112174 Homework ÀÓ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 1
112173 Seoul\'s Real Estate Tax Revenues Double over Last Five Years À¯*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 1
112172 37th homework Á¤*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 2
112171 Young-Kwang\'s Success Diary ¹Ú*±¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 2
112170 Why is a warranty important? ÁÖ*¼® ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 323
112169 What are you most productive? ¼­*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 3
112168 What things do you want to add or remove in your house? Explain... ÇÏ*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 520
112167 writing part1 ½Å*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 710
112166 ¿µÀÛ ¼÷Á¦ ÀÌ*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 0
112165 ¿µÀÛ ¼÷Á¦ ÀÌ*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-09-24 1
112164 Fight or flight! ±è*¶û ¿Ï·á 2021-09-23 271
112163 What do you think about multiracial marriage? ¾È*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-09-23 1
112162 Homework ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-09-23 245
112161 Get up ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-23 1
112160 My favorite Korean dish ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-09-23 267

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04