¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Crimes 2

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÃÖ*Á¤
2021-10-01 409

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In your opinion, how can we eradicate petty crimes in society?

I would say that the society atmosphere is important. Severe crimes are quite affected by punishment, but as for petty crimes, moral sense can affect as well. If society has clear moral criteria and If it is highly recommended to members, It will effective to lessen minor crimes.
And another method I can mention is installing CCTV in where crimes happen a lot :)

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening, Yu Jeong! 

Thank you for answering the Composition question. :) 

Here's my comments for your work: 

Question: In your opinion, how can we eradicate petty crimes in society?

Your answer: I would say that the society atmosphere is important. Severe crimes are quite affected by punishment, but as for petty crimes, moral sense can affect as well. If society has clear moral criteria and If it is highly recommended to members, It will effective to lessen minor crimes. And another method I can mention is installing CCTV in where crimes happen a lot :)

>> I would say that the society atmosphere is important. Severe crimes are quite affected by punishment, but as for petty crimes, moral sense can affect as well. If society has a clear moral criteria and if it is highly observed by the members of society, it will be an effective way to lessen minor crimes. Also, another method that I will mention is the installation of CCTV cameras in areas where crimes happen a lot. 

----

Loved your ideas! As you can see, only a few minor corrections, mostly on word/ phrase usage, punctuation and capitalization of words. Your ideas are coherent and you have expressed them very well. Kudos! 

See you later in class! 

~Miya^^
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
112102 What do you think is the perfect thing to do this upcoming long... ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 1
112101 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 1
112100 Which one do you think is better, being a boss or being a... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 403
112099 Friday homeowrk ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 402
112098 Do you visit museums when you go to another city? Why or why not? ³ë*ÀÌ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 1
112097 HOMEWORK ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 658
112096 Even though doctors advise old people to get more exercise, many... Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 332
112095 Homework °­*¼± ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 837
112094 HW ±è*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 2
112093 School ±â*Çö ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 413
112092 Do you mind rumors? Why or why not? ¼Û*·É ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 370
112091 What programs do you usually watch on TV? À±*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 819
112090 People generally know that the environment is important.... Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 827
112089 Homework ÀÌ*¼± ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 1
112088 Homework ÀÓ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 1
112087 What do you like about studying? ¼Û*·É ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 364
112086 North Korea Test-fires Long-Range Cruise Missle, State Media Says À¯*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 1
112085 Tuesday, September 14, 2021 Claire ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 386
112084 35th homework Á¤*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 2
112083 mandatory collection of school ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2021-09-17 330

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04