¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Nowadays many people aim to create a balance between their work and other aspects of their life, how

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Ȳ*ÇÏ
2021-10-22 442

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

There are several reason why people get a job. Someone would like to achieve their dream by doing what they like, others want to make money for being happy with their loved family and friends. Employers also want to make more profits that might cause employees' overlord work. Everybody dream to manage proper work-life balance, but most people don't think that it can be accomplished without money. That's why many people are willing to do overtime work although, they can't enjoy their daily life with loved ones. Our government has implemented few regulations to boost people's life. The limitation working hours by 40 in a week is the representative trial. However, There were many people who would like to take overtime duties because they can't afford to keep their family without extra income. To solve these problem, companies have to change in positive way such as provide more annual leave, raise salary per hour and give extra money in special days like summer vacation.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good day to you Mr. Hwang! ^^ It's nice to have a conversation with you today! I appreciate your essays too! ^^ Keep it up!
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
There are several reason why people get a job. 
>>> There are several reasons why people get a job. 
Someone would like to achieve their dream by doing what they like, others want to make money for being happy with their loved family and friends.
>>> Someone would like to achieve their dreams by doing what they like, others want to make money for being happy with their loved ones and friends.
 Employers also want to make more profits that might cause employees' overwork. 
>>> CORRECT
Everybody dream to manage proper work-life balance, but most people don't think that it can be accomplished without money.
>>> Everybody dreams of managing proper work-life balance, but most people don't think that it can't be accomplished without money.
 That's why many people are willing to do overtime work although, they can't enjoy their daily life with their loved ones.
>>> CORRECT
 Our government has implemented a few regulations to boost people's life. 
>>> CORRECT
The limitation working hours by 40 in a week is the representative trial.
>>> The limitation of working hours to 40 in a week is the representative trial.
 However, there were many people who would like to take overtime duties because they can't afford to keep their family without extra income.
>>> CORRECT
 To solve these problem, companies have to change in positive way such as provide more annual leave, raise salary per hour and give extra money in special days like summer vacation.
>>>  To solve this problem, companies have to change in a positive way such as providing more annual leave, raising salary per hour and giving extra money on special days like summer vacation.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
114136 If you had money to spare, what would you buy or invest in?... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 365
114135 Wednesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 316
114134 Homework À±*ÀÓ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 453
114133 Why should/shouldn\'t we have hobbies? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 641
114132 I\'ll give Ramen to them ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 324
114131 Homework °­*¼± ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 393
114130 HOMEWORK Àü*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 451
114129 HOMEWORK Àü*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 562
114128 As we grow older, we need to have more time for recreation and... ¼±* ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 347
114127 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 2
114126 Homework ±è*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 391
114125 Falling stars ±â*Çö ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 412
114124 What¡¯s the best way to pass job interviews? ¼±* ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 469
114123 If you had money to spare, what would you buy or invest in?... ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 0
114122 Obeying Your parents ±â*Çö ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 331
114121 What do you think is the best city in South Korea? Explain why. ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 0
114120 Homework ¹Ú*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 2
114119 Some people say that \"money makes the world go around.\" Do you... ¼±* ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 399
114118 How do you relieve stress? ye*nhi ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 428
114117 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-24 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04