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Writing Part2

작성자: 김*원
2021-11-11 181

회원님의 영작문



Writing Topic - Some people think that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Other, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
Discuss both of views and state your opinion

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hello Chae Won. Well, thank you for sharing your writing topic with me today. I hope I was able to help. ^_^
T. Irene

There are pros and cons for the opinion about whether the build of sports facilities is beneficial to public health improvement.

>>> There are pros and cons to whether building sports facilities are beneficial to public health improvement.

Some people think that the construction of sport facilities can gain a fatal health condition for public health.

>>> Some people think that the construction of sport facilities can be fatal to public health.

However, in my opinion, it is required for governments to financially support the reinforcement of basic public health services, considering expansion of basic public service can lead the public health to be drastically improved.

>>> However, in my opinion, it is required for governments to financially support the reinforcement of basic public health services, taking in consideration the expansion of basic public services which can lead a drastic improvement of public health.

It can be said that governments’ financial support is not a selection but a necessity in the aspect of the public’s well-being.

>>> It can be said that governments’ financial support should not be a selection but a necessity in the aspect of the public’s well-being.

On the one hand, construction of sports facility can make it possible for citizen to gain a public health.

>>> On the other hand, construction of sports facility can make it possible for citizen to improve their health.

Even though there are other factors for it, nothing is more fundamental factor than build up the sport facility.

>>> Even though there are other factors for it, nothing is more fundamental than building a sport facility.

According to Korean Times, one of the most renowned newspaper companies in Korea, over 85.2% of City Government in Korea, which have promoted the construction of sports facilities for public, showed the improvement of public health.

>>> Correct.

It shows how strongly build up the sport facility affects citizen’s public health improvement in a positive way.

>>> It shows how a sport facility affects the citizens’ health in a positive way.

On the other hand, reinforcement of basic public health services can lead national to improvement to health condition.

>>> In addition, reinforcement of basic public health services can improvement of the nation’s health condition.

Despite the fact that expansion of basic public health services is not the only element for it, it is the most invaluable opportunity that can bring about good physical condition.

>>> Despite the fact that expansion of basic public health services is not the only element in it, it is an invaluable opportunity that can bring about good physical condition.

Let’s take ‘Happy Together’, a reinforcement of basic public project in the Seoul City Government as an example.

>>> Let’s take the ‘Happy Together’ project as an example for the reinforcement of basic public health in the Seoul City Government as an example.

The Seoul City Government operated the project to expansion of the basic public service project.

>>> The Seoul City Government operated the project for the expansion of the basic public health service.

As a result, the publics’ health has become noticeably improvement.

>>> As a result, the publics’ health has noticeably improved.

As we can see in the example, expansion of basic public service can have a positive effect on the citizens’ health condition.

>>> As we can see in the example, the expansion of basic public service can have a positive effect on the citizens’ health condition.

Hence, it goes without saying that governments should make a priority to run a financial support.

>>> Hence, it goes without saying that governments should make a priority to render financial support.

In conclusion, reinforcement of basic public services can be considered the positive aspect of the issue, and thus governments should not hesitate to financially support.

>>> In conclusion, reinforcement of basic public services can be considered the positive aspect of the issue, and thus governments should not hesitate to financially support it. 



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