¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

As we grow older, we need to have more time for recreation and sleep.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¼±*
2021-11-24 288

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I totally agree with it because we need to spend more time rebooting ourselves as we grow older. Our body functions are also getting older, so we need to fix them or give them more time to recover every day. To do so, what can we do? I think we have to save more time of the day for enjoying. To enjoy life, we don¡¯t need to focus on sleeping or recreation because individuals have different tastes to recreate themselves. Some can enjoy painting, studying, reading, exercising, volunteering, or religious life, etc. We need to find what makes us happy, or what I would like to do the most right now. Though our speed to catch up with our hopes or our dreams is not that as fast as younger generations, we can accomplish them according to our speed. However, whenever we are stressed out from doing something, we stop at the moment and take a rest without doing anything. Sometimes nothing doing can mean the best way to rebuild me and cheer me up. Life is not that short.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi, Sun Jung! Thank you for taking the time to share this. You were able to use good expressions. Excellent! 

Please take note of the corrections. 

- Debbie


I totally agree with it because we need to spend more time rebooting ourselves as we grow older.
>> I agree with it because we need to spend more time rebooting ourselves as we grow older. 

Our body functions are also getting older, so we need to fix them or give them more time to recover every day. 
>> This is a good sentence.

To do so, what can we do? 
>> This is a good sentence.

I think we have to save more time of the day for enjoying.
>> I think we have to spend more time enjoying ourselves.

 To enjoy life, we don¡¯t need to focus on sleeping or recreation because individuals have different tastes to recreate themselves.
>>  To enjoy life, we don¡¯t just need to focus on sleeping or recreation because individuals have different tastes to recreate themselves.

 Some can enjoy painting, studying, reading, exercising, volunteering, or religious life, etc. 
>>  Some can enjoy painting, studying, reading, exercising, volunteering, worshipping, etc. 

We need to find what makes us happy, or what I would like to do the most right now. 
>> We need to find what makes us happy or what we would like to do the most right now. 

Though our speed to catch up with our hopes or our dreams is not that as fast as younger generations, we can accomplish them according to our speed.
>> Though our speed to catch up with our hopes or dreams is not as fast as the younger generation's, we can accomplish them according to our pace.

 However, whenever we are stressed out from doing something, we stop at the moment and take a rest without doing anything.
>> However, whenever we are stressed out from doing something, we need stop for a moment and take a rest.

 Sometimes nothing doing can mean the best way to rebuild me and cheer me up.
>> Sometimes doing nothing can be the best way to rebuild and cheer ourselves up.

 Life is not that short.
>> This is a good sentence.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
113810 Homework ±è*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-12 336
113809 1112 ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-11-12 371
113808 Respect ±â*Çö ¿Ï·á 2021-11-12 570
113807 What is the difference between families 30 years ago and today? ¹®*À² ¿Ï·á 2021-11-12 346
113806 What did you realize after watching the recording today? ±è*¹¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-12 388
113805 Homework À±*ÀÓ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-12 514
113804 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-12 2
113803 Writing task: How can you fight discouraging thoughts about... ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-12 0
113802 Do you like eating fruits and vegetables? ÀÌ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-12 263
113801 Which is always the best part of your day? ¼­*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-12 1
113800 Why I disagree about boy got a long hair. ±è*¼º ¿Ï·á 2021-11-12 293
113799 homework ³²*¸¸ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-11 329
113798 homework ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-11-11 281
113797 Do you think people who are 12-17 years old should already get... ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-11-11 0
113796 1111 ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-11-11 1
113795 How would you describe your country¡¯s food? ye*nhi ¿Ï·á 2021-11-11 410
113794 Apology ÃÖ*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-11 346
113793 How do you feel about tourists who visit your country? ±Ç*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-11-11 0
113792 Letter ¿À*º½ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-11 324
113791 Essay ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2021-11-11 373

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04