¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Is obesity a disease?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ȯ
2021-12-12 1349

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Yes, I think so. There was a TV program that helping people to lose weight. In that program some people made appearances for losing weight. Before making that program, the director had interviews of participants. In that interviews majority of participants told that having mental problems is the reason why they became obesity. While the director was shooting the TV program. The director made psychotherapy courses to help the participants. It was successful. After that program, many participants got new life.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi, Hwanny! :)
How's your day going so far? 
Thank you for writing an essay related to our essay question. I agree that obesity is a disease and can result to other different diseases such as mental problems and physical problems. 
Obese people could suffer from a range of different diseases such as heart problems, stroke, diabetes, liver problems, and hormonal problems to name a few. 
It is imperative to stay fit and healthy because this will help us prevent from acquiring different diseases. 
I hope you're doing great. 
See you in class later! :)
~Teacher Charry

Yes, I think so. 
>> CORRECT!
There was a TV program that helping people to lose weight. 
>> There was a TV program that was helping people to lose weight. 
In that program some people made appearances for losing weight. 
>> In that program some people made appearances to lose weight.
Before making that program, the director had interviews of participants. 
>> Before making that program, the director had interviews with the participants.
In that interviews majority of participants told that having mental problems is the reason why they became obesity. 
>> In those interviews, majority of the participants told him that having a mental problem is the reason why they became obese.
While the director was shooting the TV program. The director made psychotherapy courses to help the participants. 
>> While the director was shooting the TV program, the participants underwent psychotherapy courses to help them. 
It was successful.
>> CORRECT!
After that program, many participants got new life.
>> After that program, many participants got a new life.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
117872 As a result of tourism, many historical buildings and sites are... ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 6
117871 Thank you! °­*ÀÌ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 887
117870 In many countries recently young single people have been living... ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 2
117869 3/30 homework ÀÌ*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 1093
117868 What kind of food are you sensitive to? ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 694
117867 Handsome is best hahaha ÀÌ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 897
117866 Simple, Neat, and Comfortable ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 4
117865 Music power is so strong ÀÌ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 788
117864 Do you collect anything? So when did you start collecting them?... Àü*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 754
117863 Which artists/bands do you want to see at a music festival? ÃÖ*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 703
117862 What is the best restaurant in your town and what do they serve... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 1027
117861 Tell me about a recent news you\'ve read or heard about. ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 754
117860 My Homework °­*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 885
117859 Do you like to eat fruits? What\'s your favorite one and why? ½Å*ÈÄ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 0
117858 homework ÀÌ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 900
117857 homework ÀÌ*¾Ö ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 3
117856 What do you think is the best TV show and why? ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 828
117855 Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 832
117854 HOMEWORK ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 1
117853 Wednesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-03-30 710

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04