¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

ESSAY: Many people today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. What are the causes?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÃÖ*Àº
2022-01-24 1093

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

These days, Most people focus on too much works. They don't have time to know and to take care of themselves. Also, people live in a world that changes quickly without any relax or comfort. That's why people feel anxious like feeing not safe any where. It is kind of mental disease that modern people have. For solving this problems is needed time for ourselves and for rest. If we have some easygoing, we feel comfortable and improve our life quality.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi Luel! Thanks for diligently writing your essay. I appreciate your ideas so keep expressing them! Good luck!
>>> TEACHER GEMMA 
These days, Most people focus on too much works. 
>>> These days, most people focus too much on work. 
They don't have time to know and to take care of themselves. 
>>> CORRECT
Also, people live in a world that changes quickly without any relax or comfort.
>>> Also, people are living in a world that changes quickly without any relaxation or comfort.
 That's why people feel anxious like feeing not safe any where.
>>>  That's why people feel anxious like feeing unsafe anywhere.
 It is kind of mental disease that modern people have.
>>> CORRECT
 For solving this problems is needed time for ourselves and for rest. 
>>>  To solve this problem, there is a need for our personal time and rest. 
If we have some easygoing, we feel comfortable and improve our life quality.
>>> If we are easygoing, we would feel comfortable and could improve our life's quality.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
115807 Homework ÀÌ*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 630
115806 We have to protect animals because of ecosystem ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 438
115805 Homework ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 609
115804 My second day. ¿À*°á ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 879
115803 Can music influence your behavior? ¹é*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 880
115802 How do you feel about making choices for other people? ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 832
115801 what kind of art do you like the most? ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 1
115800 My Homework °­*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 239
115799 What does this saying mean, \"blood is thicker than water\"? ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 388
115798 What do you think is your main purpose in life? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 1128
115797 Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 2
115796 homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 2
115795 Friday homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 598
115794 What do you think is your main purpose in life? ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 984
115793 homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 2
115792 ielts task 1 ¼Û*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 1164
115791 Homework ±è*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 1131
115790 If you could be another person for a day, who would you be? Àå*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 1244
115789 Homework °­*¼± ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 723
115788 Homework(1/20) ÀÌ*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-01-21 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04