¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Social media is good at human communication.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ÁØ
2022-02-18 798

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I agree that social media improves human communication.

When I became a director in my company. I don¡¯t know some people who are influential customers.Especially, at that time, Our company started a new business. so, I had to meet new customers.
From about 2 years ago, I have started posting on facebook everyday, while going home on the subway or on the bus.

Because of that, I have made many friends on facebook. The number of facebook friends is about 4,600, and than many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products, and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. even I have learned something from them, and sometimes I have helped them.

So, I think social media improve human communication very much.
I

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Happy Friday Elliot!! 

Wow! Thank you for narrating a bit of some background stories. I agree with your opinion too!   It is really very convenient to communicate nowadays because of social media. It also gave way to a lot of opportunities for business promotion. 

I want to commend you for your proper use of conjunctions!!!  I am so glad that you properly used "on Facebook". That is correct! When pertaining to a website or a social media platform, we use the conjunction "ON".

For today's corrections, please observe that there are some sentences which can be connected into one long sentence, while some long sentences can be divided into two simpler ones. Also please be careful in using commas and observe proper capitalization. Proper or specific names are capitalized. 
Also, be careful in choosing which verb tenses you will use.

I hope you will apply these tips to improve your next writing exercise!   Keep it up!!!

Have a great weekend!
-Teacher Violet.

I agree that social media improves human communication.
>> CORRECT!

When I became a director in my company. I don¡¯t know some people who are influential customers. 
>>  When I became a director in my company, I didn¡¯t know any influential customers. 

Especially, at that time, Our company started a new business. so, I had to meet new customers.
>> Especially at that time, our company started a new business so I had to meet new customers.


From about 2 years ago, I have started posting on facebook everyday, while going home on the subway or on the bus.
>> About 2 years ago, I started posting on Facebook everyday while going home on the subway or on the bus.

Because of that, I have made many friends on facebook. 
>> Because of that, I have made many friends on Facebook. 

The number of facebook friends is about 4,600, and than many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products, and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. 
>> The number of my Facebook friends is about  4,600. Many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. 

even I have learned something from them, and sometimes I have helped them.
>> Even I have learned something from them, and I help them sometimes too/as well.

So, I think social media improve human communication very much.
>> So, I think social media helped improved human communication (very much)/(a lot).
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
119480 What skills would you want to develop? ±è*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 1
119479 What was the bravest thing you ever did? ÀÌ*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 0
119478 Who do you want to invite for a date if you have the courage to... ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 901
119477 What are you most afraid of? Why? ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 806
119476 Do you still watch cartoons today? Why or why not? ÅÂ*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 574
119475 Does your hometown have any festivals? What happens at that... ±è*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 878
119474 How important are clocks for you? ±è*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 739
119473 A bad hobby ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 2
119472 Do you think vaccines are important and effective? Why or why... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 721
119471 homework ÃÖ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 629
119470 Tuesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 547
119469 About good news ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 503
119468 homework ÃÖ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 907
119467 Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 1
119466 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 1
119465 What is the worst experience you¡¯ve had on public... ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 0
119464 Q È«*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 826
119463 Are robots more efficient than people? Share your answer in a... ÇÑ*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 851
119462 Is it always necessary for a married couple to have kids? Why or... ÁÖ*¼® ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 0
119461 What was the best lecture you have attended? Why do you think... ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-05-31 900

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04