¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Social media is good at human communication.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ÁØ
2022-02-18 665

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I agree that social media improves human communication.

When I became a director in my company. I don¡¯t know some people who are influential customers.Especially, at that time, Our company started a new business. so, I had to meet new customers.
From about 2 years ago, I have started posting on facebook everyday, while going home on the subway or on the bus.

Because of that, I have made many friends on facebook. The number of facebook friends is about 4,600, and than many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products, and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. even I have learned something from them, and sometimes I have helped them.

So, I think social media improve human communication very much.
I

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Happy Friday Elliot!! 

Wow! Thank you for narrating a bit of some background stories. I agree with your opinion too!   It is really very convenient to communicate nowadays because of social media. It also gave way to a lot of opportunities for business promotion. 

I want to commend you for your proper use of conjunctions!!!  I am so glad that you properly used "on Facebook". That is correct! When pertaining to a website or a social media platform, we use the conjunction "ON".

For today's corrections, please observe that there are some sentences which can be connected into one long sentence, while some long sentences can be divided into two simpler ones. Also please be careful in using commas and observe proper capitalization. Proper or specific names are capitalized. 
Also, be careful in choosing which verb tenses you will use.

I hope you will apply these tips to improve your next writing exercise!   Keep it up!!!

Have a great weekend!
-Teacher Violet.

I agree that social media improves human communication.
>> CORRECT!

When I became a director in my company. I don¡¯t know some people who are influential customers. 
>>  When I became a director in my company, I didn¡¯t know any influential customers. 

Especially, at that time, Our company started a new business. so, I had to meet new customers.
>> Especially at that time, our company started a new business so I had to meet new customers.


From about 2 years ago, I have started posting on facebook everyday, while going home on the subway or on the bus.
>> About 2 years ago, I started posting on Facebook everyday while going home on the subway or on the bus.

Because of that, I have made many friends on facebook. 
>> Because of that, I have made many friends on Facebook. 

The number of facebook friends is about 4,600, and than many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products, and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. 
>> The number of my Facebook friends is about  4,600. Many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. 

even I have learned something from them, and sometimes I have helped them.
>> Even I have learned something from them, and I help them sometimes too/as well.

So, I think social media improve human communication very much.
>> So, I think social media helped improved human communication (very much)/(a lot).
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
118112 Can you tell me when people being dishonest with you? ¹é*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 766
118111 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 0
118110 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 0
118109 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 0
118108 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 0
118107 My English performance evaluation ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 663
118106 What qualities do you appreciate in your friends? What makes... ½Å*ÈÄ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 3
118105 Do you think it\'s necessary to have plastic surgery if you are... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 716
118104 Children and pets ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 808
118103 Friday homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 700
118102 Fish ÃÖ*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 613
118101 Homework ±è*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 683
118100 Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 15
118099 homework ÀÌ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 663
118098 You is one person who inspires you? Answer in a few sentences. ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 616
118097 plastics ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 664
118096 Are social networking sites for people who aren¡¯t good at... ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 0
118095 What would you do if the food didn¡¯t taste good or you received... ¼­*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 3
118094 Most people say the book is better than the movie. Is this true... ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 0
118093 Do you think it\'s necessary to have plastic surgery if you are... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-04-08 760

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04