¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Social media is good at human communication.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ÁØ
2022-02-18 690

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I agree that social media improves human communication.

When I became a director in my company. I don¡¯t know some people who are influential customers.Especially, at that time, Our company started a new business. so, I had to meet new customers.
From about 2 years ago, I have started posting on facebook everyday, while going home on the subway or on the bus.

Because of that, I have made many friends on facebook. The number of facebook friends is about 4,600, and than many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products, and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. even I have learned something from them, and sometimes I have helped them.

So, I think social media improve human communication very much.
I

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Happy Friday Elliot!! 

Wow! Thank you for narrating a bit of some background stories. I agree with your opinion too!   It is really very convenient to communicate nowadays because of social media. It also gave way to a lot of opportunities for business promotion. 

I want to commend you for your proper use of conjunctions!!!  I am so glad that you properly used "on Facebook". That is correct! When pertaining to a website or a social media platform, we use the conjunction "ON".

For today's corrections, please observe that there are some sentences which can be connected into one long sentence, while some long sentences can be divided into two simpler ones. Also please be careful in using commas and observe proper capitalization. Proper or specific names are capitalized. 
Also, be careful in choosing which verb tenses you will use.

I hope you will apply these tips to improve your next writing exercise!   Keep it up!!!

Have a great weekend!
-Teacher Violet.

I agree that social media improves human communication.
>> CORRECT!

When I became a director in my company. I don¡¯t know some people who are influential customers. 
>>  When I became a director in my company, I didn¡¯t know any influential customers. 

Especially, at that time, Our company started a new business. so, I had to meet new customers.
>> Especially at that time, our company started a new business so I had to meet new customers.


From about 2 years ago, I have started posting on facebook everyday, while going home on the subway or on the bus.
>> About 2 years ago, I started posting on Facebook everyday while going home on the subway or on the bus.

Because of that, I have made many friends on facebook. 
>> Because of that, I have made many friends on Facebook. 

The number of facebook friends is about 4,600, and than many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products, and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. 
>> The number of my Facebook friends is about  4,600. Many of them have purchased our company¡¯s products and some of them have promoted our company to their friends. 

even I have learned something from them, and sometimes I have helped them.
>> Even I have learned something from them, and I help them sometimes too/as well.

So, I think social media improve human communication very much.
>> So, I think social media helped improved human communication (very much)/(a lot).
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
115292 What new thing would you like to try this years? ¹é*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 930
115291 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 399
115290 How do you value friendship? Explain your answer in as much... ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 413
115289 writing3 ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 1234
115288 writing2 ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 593
115287 Wring1 ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 374
115286 What is the best way for a country to bring in more tourists? ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 903
115285 Homework ¿À*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 504
115284 Would you rather live alone or with other people? Why? º¯*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 1243
115283 My Homework °­*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 711
115282 Homework ÀÌ*¼± ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 1
115281 Nosy and Concerned ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 2
115280 homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 0
115279 My strengths ¼º*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 668
115278 Something Successful ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 321
115277 Do you think a mother is a better \"stay-at-home parent\" than a... ±è*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 1
115276 How are penguins different from other birds? ±è*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 1
115275 If you can invent something, what would it be? ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 2952
115274 Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 1
115273 Wednesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-05 621

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04