¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ÁØ
2022-02-23 730

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Watching the news is very important to me. I¡¯m a director in a company. So, when I manage that, I need lots of information related to my business. I usually get lots of information from customers, or by the internet, or by watching news programs.

But when I watched the news by TV, sometimes, I felt stressful because the news ware really bad news those are a violence, a war, even fake news, or too biased news like that
sometimes, too repetitive news, even the news was important.

And then, I usually changed the channel

I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our life
A lot of the news has not happened in my life or in my neighborhood.
So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much

that¡¯s why, I think avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Elliot!

Thank you again for sharing your take on stressful news. I agree with you. Even I, honestly do not watch the news that much anymore. Especially with the spread of fake news, I don't even know what to believe anymore.

For today's corrections, I am so happy that the corrections reduced a lot! Do observe that again, there are some long sentences which will be better if they are separated into 2. Also, don't forget to use periods (.) to end your sentences.

Great job on this one! Keep it up!
-Teacher Violet


Watching the news is very important to me. 
>>CORRECT!

I¡¯m a director in a company.
>>CORRECT!

So, when I manage that, I need lots of information related to my business. 
>>CORRECT!

I usually get lots of information from customers, or by the internet, or by watching news programs.

>> I usually get lots of information from customers, through the internet, or by watching news programs.


But when I watched the news by TV, sometimes, I felt stressful because the news ware really bad news those are a violence, a war, even fake news, or too biased news like that
sometimes, too repetitive news, even the news was important.
>> But when I watch the news on TV, sometimes, I feel stressed because the news is really bad news about violence, war, even fake news or very biased news. (Do you mean like this? :) )Sometimes, they get repetitive even if the news is important.

And then, I usually changed the channel
>> And then, I usually change the channel.

I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our life

>> I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our lives.


A lot of the news has not happened in my life or in my neighborhood.
>>CORRECT!

So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much that¡¯s why, I think avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.
>> So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much. That¡¯s why, I think avoiding watching news is one way to lose/reduce our stress.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
116466 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 1
116465 Make a sentence using the given word. ÀÌ*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 578
116464 Do you believe that giving a gift to a special person is... ÀÌ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 2
116463 When was the last time you were invited? ¾ç*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 2
116462 What are the advantages and disadvantages of working with a... ±è*Áö ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 776
116461 my major ÀÌ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 772
116460 What\'s the most memorable vacation you\'ve had? ±è*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 740
116459 202z.2.15 Àü* ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 517
116458 2022.2.14 Àü* ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 676
116457 Do you think it\\\'s healthy to eat out often? Why or why not? Àå*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 759
116456 homework ¹Ú*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 593
116455 If you had a lot of money, what is the first thing you\'ll buy... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-02-16 567
116454 2/15 homework ÀÌ*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-15 440
116453 How do you maintain your good health? / What do you think is the... ÁÖ*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-02-15 692
116452 I\'m doing my homework...^^ ¹Ú*Çü ¿Ï·á 2022-02-15 338
116451 It is the world where many people live together. ±è*Å ¿Ï·á 2022-02-15 2
116450 What is your favorite restaurant and why? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2022-02-15 1
116449 What is the worst news you\'ve ever heard in South Korea?... ¹Ú*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-15 718
116448 I don\'t believe in fortune tellers. ±è*Å ¿Ï·á 2022-02-15 2
116447 How I learn! ÀÌ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-15 585

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04