¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ÁØ
2022-02-23 908

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Watching the news is very important to me. I¡¯m a director in a company. So, when I manage that, I need lots of information related to my business. I usually get lots of information from customers, or by the internet, or by watching news programs.

But when I watched the news by TV, sometimes, I felt stressful because the news ware really bad news those are a violence, a war, even fake news, or too biased news like that
sometimes, too repetitive news, even the news was important.

And then, I usually changed the channel

I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our life
A lot of the news has not happened in my life or in my neighborhood.
So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much

that¡¯s why, I think avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Elliot!

Thank you again for sharing your take on stressful news. I agree with you. Even I, honestly do not watch the news that much anymore. Especially with the spread of fake news, I don't even know what to believe anymore.

For today's corrections, I am so happy that the corrections reduced a lot! Do observe that again, there are some long sentences which will be better if they are separated into 2. Also, don't forget to use periods (.) to end your sentences.

Great job on this one! Keep it up!
-Teacher Violet


Watching the news is very important to me. 
>>CORRECT!

I¡¯m a director in a company.
>>CORRECT!

So, when I manage that, I need lots of information related to my business. 
>>CORRECT!

I usually get lots of information from customers, or by the internet, or by watching news programs.

>> I usually get lots of information from customers, through the internet, or by watching news programs.


But when I watched the news by TV, sometimes, I felt stressful because the news ware really bad news those are a violence, a war, even fake news, or too biased news like that
sometimes, too repetitive news, even the news was important.
>> But when I watch the news on TV, sometimes, I feel stressed because the news is really bad news about violence, war, even fake news or very biased news. (Do you mean like this? :) )Sometimes, they get repetitive even if the news is important.

And then, I usually changed the channel
>> And then, I usually change the channel.

I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our life

>> I think the news is important and necessary but we have to live our lives.


A lot of the news has not happened in my life or in my neighborhood.
>>CORRECT!

So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much that¡¯s why, I think avoid watching news is the way to lose our stress.
>> So we need to know the present age, but we don¡¯t have to worry too much. That¡¯s why, I think avoiding watching news is one way to lose/reduce our stress.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
115870 It\'s nonsense ÀÌ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-01-25 695
115869 Can money buy happiness È£*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-01-25 1
115868 HOMEWORK: What is the coronavirus pandemic situation in your... ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-25 4
115867 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-25 1
115866 Why do you think it is important to save the elephant... ¹Ú*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-01-25 845
115865 Do you think that older people are always right? Why or why not? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-01-25 1373
115864 homework Á¤*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 1716
115863 Who are the people you always rely on? ¾ö*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 636
115862 Do you think that older people are always right? Why or why not? Ȳ*º° ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 845
115861 Over one-third of South Koreans paid subscribers to OTT... À¯*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 1
115860 Homework ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 384
115859 There will be commotion in the city ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 935
115858 Family importance ÀÌ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 584
115857 Do you like meeting new people? ÀÌ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 2
115856 What is your favorite movie? Why? ½Å*ÈÄ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 367
115855 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 603
115854 My Homework °­*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 507
115853 homework °¨*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 1
115852 Have you ever felt discrimination from other people before? How... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 773
115851 What do you think is your main purpose in life? ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-01-24 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04