¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

How do you think should wars be stopped and prevented?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Ȳ*º°
2022-03-02 1075

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I think that wars should be prevented with the way how all countries become strong because some countries attack other countries which are weaker than them. So, I think that if all countries become strong, any country will not be easy to attack other country. Also, wars should be stopped with the way how other countries have to support countries which be attacked by stronger countries but, I hope that any war don't be broken out.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi Kimberly! 

Wars are never good in any forms. All countries should form unity. Just like in people, we should not bully the ones that are weaker. 

Thank you for making an effort in answering your first homework for today. You did an awesome job! I'm so proud of you. Please read all the corrections I wrote down below and analyze them. I know you can do it. See you soon!


I think that wars should be prevented with the way how all countries become strong because some countries attack other countries which are weaker than them. 
>> CORRECT

So, I think that if all countries become strong, any country will not be easy to attack other country. 
>> So, I think that if all countries become strong, no country would be easy to attack. 

Also, wars should be stopped with the way how other countries have to support countries which be attacked by stronger countries but, I hope that any war don't be broken out.
>> Also, wars should be stopped with the way how other countries have to support other countries. I hope wars won't exist anymore. 


¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
116225 Do you become impatient when you have to wait in a long line? ¹é*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 934
116224 My Homework °­*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 602
116223 The busiest day. ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 2
116222 Homework ¿À*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 730
116221 What is your greatest achievement as a student and why? ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 379
116220 If you can move to another country, which one would you pick and... ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 0
116219 What is the best lesson you have learned from one of your... ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 0
116218 What are you looking forward to this 2022 and why? ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 0
116217 Home work ±è*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 520
116216 Homework ±â*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 1047
116215 Can you forgive your friends easily when they did something bad... ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 585
116214 Shorter Impatient ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 821
116213 Homework ±è*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 648
116212 Wednesday homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 498
116211 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 1
116210 measures to protect and improve the mental health of children... È£*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 1
116209 What was the most important thing your parents taught you? ±è*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 2
116208 Being Kind ÃÖ*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 521
116207 What are the things you consider important in life? ¾ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 3
116206 Homework ÀÓ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2022-02-09 597

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04