¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

punishment

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±Ç*Èñ
2022-04-07 739

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I think that the ultimate purpose of penalty is not punishment itself but improvement of their delinquency.

So at fitst we need counceling period for them . Not short terms or cursory counceling.

I thought what kind of punishments are suitable for them.

At least it should be chances to reflect on their delinquency that invaded on other's human right.

I;d like to recommand the school or community service as volunteer activities to help others.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good day, Ms, Lily!
Oh I hope that they are thinking what you're thinking that it is for their personal growth that they are being disciplined. People tend to focus more on the "wrong doings" of the person rather than the positive result.
Thank you for your answer. and try to focus on those minor corrections for the improvement of your sentence construction.
Stay well!
Aki~~
I think that the ultimate purpose of penalty is not punishment itself but improvement of their delinquency.
>>> I think that the ultimate purpose of the penalty is not the punishment itself but the improvement of their behavior to avoid delinquency.

So at fitst we need counceling period for them . Not short terms or cursory counceling.
>>> So at first, we need a counseling period for them. Not short terms or cursory counseling.

I thought what kind of punishments are suitable for them.
>>> I thought about what kind of punishments are suitable for them.

At least it should be chances to reflect on their delinquency that invaded on other's human right.
>>> At least it should be chances to reflect on their delinquency that invaded others' human rights.

I;d like to recommand the school or community service as volunteer activities to help others.
>>> I'd like to recommend the school or community service as volunteer activities to help others.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
119825 What kind of new people do you want to meet? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2022-06-14 3
119824 self introduction ½É*Çý ¿Ï·á 2022-06-14 41
119823 What is your dream house and where do you want it to be? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-06-14 599
119822 What is the best thing about your birthplace? / How is our... ±è*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 2
119821 He prayed for a lively life, and he actually lived a lively life ±è*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 3171
119820 6/13 HOMEWORK (😡😡😡😡) ÀÌ*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 548
119819 Mobile phones can be seen as fashion statement, can this put... ±è*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 1
119818 Homework ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 505
119817 Homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 2
119816 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 506
119815 Do you think people watch too much television? Why? ÅÂ*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 516
119814 What are some strange foreign customs that your ever heard of? ¹é*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 373
119813 Exercise ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 2
119812 If you wrote a book, what would you write about? ½Å*ÈÄ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 1
119811 homework ¿ø*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 462
119810 What do you think would South Korea be like if it still has... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 618
119809 Monday homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 334
119808 homework ÃÖ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 610
119807 How do you understand \" too good, to be true\"? Please provide... ±è*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 459
119806 Soeun\'s Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-06-13 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04