¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

I also passionately play table tennis every day for my health.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ÁØ
2022-05-20 1781

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Let me introduce myself briefly. I want to express myself as a boy with many dreams. I'm always learning something and doing something constantly.

After becoming the CEO of Hen-in-Han, the learning seems to have become more intense. I have been studying business administration for two years to run a business well, and I am studying English and trade to export hand-in-hand toothbrushes myself. And I also passionately play table tennis every day for my health.

Our company has been producing toothbrushes and dental floss for over 20 years, and in recent years, we have printed, packaged and delivered promotional materials and souvenirs for campaigns. In our company, disabled and non-disabled people work together. We all want to be happy and we are working hard together.

I hope to live the day that is given to me today hard and happily.
I thank God for giving me this day~~ I hope that I will live according to the word that tells the world to live like light and salt.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good afternoon, Elliot! 

Thank you for answering the Homework question. Please take note of the corrections/ suggestions below: 

Writing Task:  Kindly introduce yourself. You can talk about your family and work. Please talk about your hobbies and interests as well. :-)

Your Answer: 

Let me introduce myself briefly. I want to express myself as a boy with many dreams. I'm always learning something and doing something constantly.

After becoming the CEO of Hen-in-Han, the learning seems to have become more intense. I have been studying business administration for two years to run a business well, and I am studying English and trade to export hand-in-hand toothbrushes myself. And I also passionately play table tennis every day for my health.

Our company has been producing toothbrushes and dental floss for over 20 years, and in recent years, we have printed, packaged and delivered promotional materials and souvenirs for campaigns. In our company, disabled and non-disabled people work together. We all want to be happy and we are working hard together.

I hope to live the day that is given to me today hard and happily.
I thank God for giving me this day~~ I hope that I will live according to the word that tells the world to live like light and salt.

Corrected Version: 

Let me introduce myself briefly. I want to express myself as a boy with many dreams. 
I'm constantly learning and doing something everyday. <Always and constantly almost mean the same thing, so it would be better if you only use 1 word in 1 sentence.>

After becoming the CEO of Hen-in-Han, the learning seems to have become more intense. I have been studying business administration for two years to run the business well, and I am studying English and trade to export hand-in-hand toothbrushes. I also passionately play table tennis every day for my health. <Just minor corrections on article <such as the and a/an> usage in this paragraph. :)> 

Our company has been producing toothbrushes and dental floss for over 20 years, and in recent years, we have printed, packaged and delivered promotional materials and souvenirs for campaigns. 
Our company employs persons with disabilities (PWD) and everyone gets along well with everybody. <In formal English language, the term persons with disabilities or PWD is more commonly used.> 

We all want to be happy and we are working hard together.

I hope to live each day given to me happily. I thank God for giving me this day. I hope to live like light and salt just like what the word tells the world to do. <Just minor corrections too.> 

----

It's nice to finally get to know some cool things about you, Elliot! Thank you for sharing it with me. :-) 

Have a great night and weekend ahead and see you again next week! ^^


~Teacher Miya ^^
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
125963 HOMEWORK È«*¼± ¿Ï·á 2023-02-24 1
125962 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-02-24 0
125961 How does being in nature make you feel? ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-24 2285
125960 Do you have a close relationship with your cousins? Do you enjoy... Àå*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-02-24 1669
125959 2/24 homework ÃÖ*º½ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-24 1553
125958 21.Feb.2023 ±è*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-24 2
125957 Homework ¿À*ºó ¿Ï·á 2023-02-24 2
125956 The country I want to visit ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-24 1906
125955 What do you do to loosen up? ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-02-24 1589
125954 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-02-23 1849
125953 Do you think that the death penalty would prevent crime in your... ¹Ú*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-02-23 1892
125952 HW ÃÖ*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-02-23 4
125951 HW ÃÖ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-23 2
125950 home work 2/22 ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-23 1906
125949 Why there is not specific program I tend to watch ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-02-23 0
125948 The difference in my childhood and now ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-02-23 0
125947 homework 02.23 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2023-02-23 1722
125946 homework ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-23 1903
125945 Do you work better alone or with a group? Why? ±è*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-02-23 1
125944 Lesson 11: homework ±è*Çý ¿Ï·á 2023-02-23 1920

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04