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영작교정 게시판

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In your opinion, what are the possible problems that your country might face with the increasing num

작성자: 황*하
2022-06-27 1148

회원님의 영작문

It is common that seniors receive more salary than juniors due to the experiences and devotion at their company in my country. We thought that professionalizm can't lenrn in a short time and seniors deserve to be treated well than juniors. However, working environment has changed a lot, juniors have spoken up their voices, they don't want to admit seniors whose perfomance are worse and they want treat employees according to the personal abilities. Owners would like to reduce the labor costs because it is the easiest way to get more profits. Many people who are over 40s are worried about their retirement age. Many employers suggest managers, directors and staffs who are over 50s to retire earlier than expected ages. If employees agree to retire early, companies guarantee give high amount of severance pay. Low birth rate is also related with economic problem and the value of life has changed. People wnat to enjoy their life without any finance burden.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good day, Sir Hwang!
Thank you so much for taking time in answering the question. Your ideas and opinions are on point. Keep it up! :)
~ T. Camille

It is common that seniors receive more salary than juniors due to the experiences and devotion at their company in my country. 
>> CORRECT!
We thought that professionalizm can't lenrn in a short time and seniors deserve to be treated well than juniors. 
>> We thought that professionalism can't be learned in a short time, and seniors deserve to be treated well than juniors. 
However, working environment has changed a lot, juniors have spoken up their voices, they don't want to admit seniors whose perfomance are worse and they want treat employees according to the personal abilities. 
>> However, working environment has changed a lot, juniors have spoken up and raised their voices, they don't want to admit seniors whose perfomances are worse, and they want to treat employees according to the personal abilities. 
Owners would like to reduce the labor costs because it is the easiest way to get more profits. 
>> CORRECT!
Many people who are over 40s are worried about their retirement age. 
>> CORRECT!
Many employers suggest managers, directors and staffs who are over 50s to retire earlier than expected ages. 
>> Many employers suggest managers, directors and staffs who are over 50s to retire earlier than expected. 
If employees agree to retire early, companies guarantee give high amount of severance pay. 
>> CORRECT!
Low birth rate is also related with economic problem and the value of life has changed. 
>> Low birth rate is also related with this economic problem and the value of life has changed. 
People wnat to enjoy their life without any finance burden.
>> People want to enjoy their life without any financial burden.


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