¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Homework

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¿ì
2022-09-02 1110

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Hello, Donna.
I was so busy today, but I was satisfied.
This afternoon, I went to some of our Franchise clinic, and I helped make a good medical system.
Actually, they started the clinic many years ago.
However they couldn't achieve their goal about income.
Hence, they decided to join our Franchise around two months ago.
After that, we tried to grow up that clinic.
I gave many advises to them, and they accepted all immediately.
That's why I felt good.
I'm sure they can achieve their goal not too long.
Okay, now I do my homework.
I rented many things for my house.
As you know, I rented my car, water purifier, and even this house.
There is one more thing.
Can you guess?
I also rented an electrical massager.
This machine tap my body, especially posterior neck and back.
That movement make me feel so comfortable.
When I am so tired, I like to ride on that, and it can relax my body.
It's very nice.
I recommend this machine.
I hope you would try that.
Thank you.
Catch you soon.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good day, Dr. Kim!

Busy is very good. Whenever you mention that you had a long day, I think that you had a meaningful and productive one. All of these sacrifices an painstaking ordeals are dedicated to your family and your future. Then, stay being helpful and being a clinic model to others. This just means that yours is the best in its practices.

Owning something gives us the sense of pride in financial strength. However, in times when this is not pratical, we  should better rent for the perks of services and warranty. This way, we can save time and do away with stress.  Consequentlty, we have to be responsible in handling the things we rented, even more the things be bought to own. I have tried an electric chair massager before in the mall and it was no doubt enjoyable and ultimately relaxing.

You have written your composition with clarity, organization, and good grammatical structures. The word 'franchise' to refer to your clinic is a common noun. It becomes a capital letter when you mention the name of your franchise as "Dr. Kim's Franchise Clini" or "Incheon Franchise. Meanwhile, there are uncountable nouns that do not form their plural by adding -s or -es. Thus, "pieces of advise" is the right plural form for this noun. Finally, be keen with your subject-verb agreement as "That movement make -> That movement makes". For the rest of my suggestions, please read them carefully below. Excellent piece of writing!

See you in a few!

-T. Donna~
Hello, Donna.
>> Correct!

I was so busy today, but I was satisfied.
>> Correct!

This afternoon, I went to some of our Franchise clinic, and I helped make a good medical system.
>> Correct!

Actually, they started the clinic many years ago.
>> Correct!

However they couldn't achieve their goal about income.
>> Correct!

Hence, they decided to join our Franchise around two months ago.
>> Correct!
Or: franchise

After that, we tried to grow up that clinic.
>> After that, we tried to make that clinic grow.

I gave many advises to them, and they accepted all immediately.
>> I gave many pieces of advise to them, and they accepted them all immediately.

That's why I felt good.
>> Correct!

I'm sure they can achieve their goal not too long.
>> Correct!
Or: I'm sure they can achieve their goal (not too long/ shortly/ fast/ in no time).

Okay, now I do my homework.
>> Correct!

I rented many things for my house.
>> Correct!

As you know, I rented my car, water purifier, and even this house.
>> Correct!

There is one more thing.
>> Correct!

Can you guess?
>> Correct!

I also rented an electrical massager.
>> Correct! 
Or: I also rented an electric massager.

This machine tap my body, especially posterior neck and back.
>> This machine taps my body, especially my posterior neck and back.

That movement make me feel so comfortable.
>> That movement makes me feel so comfortable.

When I am so tired, I like to ride on that, and it can relax my body.
It's very nice.
>> Correct!

I recommend this machine.
>> Correct!

I hope you would try that.
>> Correct!

Thank you.
>> Correct!

Catch you soon.
>> Correct!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
121823 8/23 HOMEWORK ÀÌ*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1226
121822 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 890
121821 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 2
121820 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1627
121819 How can we develop good habits? ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1147
121818 If you could only wear one color for the rest of your life, what... ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1284
121817 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1548
121816 What do you do to relax after working hard or experiencing other... Ȳ*º° ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 984
121815 If you could ask your favorite Disney princess a question, what... Ȳ*º° ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1138
121814 What would life be like without your computer? ÅÂ*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1177
121813 If a natural disaster hit your town, what would you do? ÅÂ*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1861
121812 Have you ever had the experience of being a leader? What did you... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1605
121811 My best friend ±è*À² ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 0
121810 What if a natural disaster hit my town? ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1243
121809 What do you think of hunting? Would you eat an animal that you... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1509
121808 Tuesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1345
121807 What does it mean when you say, \"We are the architects of our... ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1554
121806 How do I value my friendship. ±è*¼º ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1922
121805 How are your friendships different now than they were when you... ±¸*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1362
121804 Why I think surrounded by good people is good. ±è*¼º ¿Ï·á 2022-08-23 1415

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04