¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

How My Parents Maintain a Good Health

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¿í
2022-09-14 1035

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

My parents usually climb a mountain to maintain their health. Walking through the paths to the top of the mountain, their legs muscles are strengthened, their lungs are healthier.

My parents eat nuts, like macadamia or walnuts. They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can be easily decomposed in our bodies.

My parents usually spend their time in outdoor. They meet their friends in gathering, or social club. These outdoor activities can prevent my parents from getting old early. Also it can preserve their mental health.

In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, so they enjoy these activities. Using their time on activities that they like, Eating something they want, they are managing their stresses, and it's the path to the live longer.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Thank you for taking the time to answer your homework today, Jason. I liked your composition today, you've expressed yourself well using complete sentences with complete thoughts. I liked how you started your sentence, these are good patterns. Please review my corrections carefully, and then try to take notes of the corrections which you have noticed from them. Again, thank you and have a great day ahead! :)


My parents usually climb a mountain to maintain their health.
>> My parents usually climb mountains to maintain their health.
Walking through the paths to the top of the mountain, their legs muscles are strengthened, their lungs are healthier.
>> Walking along the paths to the top of the mountain, their leg muscles are strengthened and their lungs become healthier.
My parents eat nuts, like macadamia or walnuts.
>> Correct.
They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can be easily decomposed in our bodies.
>> Correct. OR They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can easily be decomposed in our bodies.
My parents usually spend their time in outdoor.
>> My parents usually spend their time outdoors.
They meet their friends in gathering, or social club.
>> They meet their friends in gatherings or in social clubs.
These outdoor activities can prevent my parents from getting old early.
>> Correct.
Also it can preserve their mental health.
>> Also, it can improve their mental health.
In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, so they enjoy these activities.
>> Correct. OR In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, that's why they enjoy these activities.
Using their time on activities that they like, Eating something they want, they are managing their stresses, and it's the path to the live longer.
>> Using their time on activities that they like and eating something they want helps them in managing their stress, and it's the path to a long life.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
123210 What do you think about the engagement video? Share your answer... ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-10-26 2936
123209 Would you like to be a doctor? Why or why not? ÀÓ*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-10-26 2
123208 word ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 1510
123207 What first impression do other people tell about you? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 1
123206 What do you think is the most important thing to make a happy... ±¸*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 3435
123205 Homework ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 2253
123204 If you were going to be a teacher, where would you like to teach? ±¸*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 2065
123203 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 0
123202 homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 2
123201 What are some manners in your country that no longer exist? ±¸*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 2661
123200 Do you like to relax during the weekend? Why? ±¸*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 3607
123199 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 3146
123198 Homework ¼Û*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 2272
123197 Do people know how you feel by looking at your face? Are you... ÅÂ*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 2667
123196 Homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 1946
123195 Use these words in sentences ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 2336
123194 homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 0
123193 Are you against or in favor of cloning? Why? ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 2080
123192 homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 2606
123191 Tuesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-10-25 2518

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04