¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

How My Parents Maintain a Good Health

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¿í
2022-09-14 980

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

My parents usually climb a mountain to maintain their health. Walking through the paths to the top of the mountain, their legs muscles are strengthened, their lungs are healthier.

My parents eat nuts, like macadamia or walnuts. They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can be easily decomposed in our bodies.

My parents usually spend their time in outdoor. They meet their friends in gathering, or social club. These outdoor activities can prevent my parents from getting old early. Also it can preserve their mental health.

In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, so they enjoy these activities. Using their time on activities that they like, Eating something they want, they are managing their stresses, and it's the path to the live longer.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Thank you for taking the time to answer your homework today, Jason. I liked your composition today, you've expressed yourself well using complete sentences with complete thoughts. I liked how you started your sentence, these are good patterns. Please review my corrections carefully, and then try to take notes of the corrections which you have noticed from them. Again, thank you and have a great day ahead! :)


My parents usually climb a mountain to maintain their health.
>> My parents usually climb mountains to maintain their health.
Walking through the paths to the top of the mountain, their legs muscles are strengthened, their lungs are healthier.
>> Walking along the paths to the top of the mountain, their leg muscles are strengthened and their lungs become healthier.
My parents eat nuts, like macadamia or walnuts.
>> Correct.
They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can be easily decomposed in our bodies.
>> Correct. OR They have plenty of unsaturated fats, that can easily be decomposed in our bodies.
My parents usually spend their time in outdoor.
>> My parents usually spend their time outdoors.
They meet their friends in gathering, or social club.
>> They meet their friends in gatherings or in social clubs.
These outdoor activities can prevent my parents from getting old early.
>> Correct.
Also it can preserve their mental health.
>> Also, it can improve their mental health.
In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, so they enjoy these activities.
>> Correct. OR In my opinion, these can make my parents happier, that's why they enjoy these activities.
Using their time on activities that they like, Eating something they want, they are managing their stresses, and it's the path to the live longer.
>> Using their time on activities that they like and eating something they want helps them in managing their stress, and it's the path to a long life.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
121509 life expectancy ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-11 864
121508 Should parents help their children set goals? Àü*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-11 2
121507 It seeme like a family birthday party. ¹Ú*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-11 1285
121506 Describe a natural disaster that you have experienced in your... ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-08-11 2
121505 How is elementary education system in America different with... ¼­*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-11 2
121504 What do you love doing with your relatives? ÀÌ*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-08-11 1571
121503 Make decision Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-08-11 1
121502 8/10 HOMEWORK ÀÌ*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 994
121501 Why is helping others important? ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 881
121500 Do you prefer relaxing weekends doing nothing or active ones? /... ¹Ú*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 1552
121499 Homework ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 1248
121498 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 1085
121497 When I wished the rain would stop Á¶*¼º ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 1263
121496 If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? ÀÌ*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 1407
121495 What is the best way to enjoy Chuseok without spending too much? ±Ç*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 1169
121494 Trading Time for Money ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 1692
121493 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 860
121492 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 1129
121491 homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 4
121490 What comes to mind whenever you hear the word \'YOUNG\'? ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-08-10 1112

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04