¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

What do you think of cosmetic surgery?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Àü*ä
2022-10-04 2984

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I don't prefer the cosmetic surgery. But I also tried the cosmetic surgery.
I tried double eyelid surgery. Nowadays the double eyelid surgery is common thing. And I think this is the problems. Any surgery are dangerous. It couldn't be a common, or light things. Young people are want to try cosmetic surgery to be make a beautiful face, body. It is a sad phenomenon.
I think they watched beautiful stars on TV shows, or on Youtube.
Also It would be a disadvantages of media.
Cosmetic surgery has a serious side effects. If it comes, they would be lose
their face and never turn back. We should be learn this part before to be a adult. Excessive surgery should be avoided. Natural is the best.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi there, Eun Chae!
Thank you for accomplishing this writing activity.  Keep on practicing English because every day you learn new vocabulary and patterns.  It's better you do something to improve instead of delaying the results. ^^

~T. Maine


I don't prefer the cosmetic surgery. 
>>I don't prefer cosmetic surgery. 
But I also tried the cosmetic surgery.
>> But I also tried doing it. 
I tried double eyelid surgery. 
>>Correct. 
>>Or: I had double eyelid surgery. 
Nowadays the double eyelid surgery is common thing. 
>> Nowadays, this kind of surgery is very common among Koreans. 

And I think this is the problems. 
>> And I think this is a problem. 

Any surgery are dangerous. 
>>All surgeries are dangerous. 

It couldn't be a common, or light things. 
>> It couldn't be considered a common thing or something normal. 

Young people are want to try cosmetic surgery to be make a beautiful face, body. 
>> Young people want to try cosmetic surgery to have a beautiful face and body. 

It is a sad phenomenon.
>>Correct. 

I think they watched beautiful stars on TV shows, or on Youtube.
>> I think they watched a lot of beautiful stars on TV shows or on YouTube. 
>>OR: They might be influenced by entertainers online or through media. 

Also It would be a disadvantages of media.
>> It is also the disadvantage of media. 

Cosmetic surgery has a serious side effects.
>> Cosmetic surgery has many serious side effects. 

 If it comes, they would be lose
their face and never turn back. 
>> It it happens, they might lose their face and never turn back. 

We should be learn this part before to be a adult.
>>We should learn this part beforehand to become a matured person. 

 Excessive surgery should be avoided.
>> Excessive surgery should be avoided.
>> Or: Surgery is meant for people who had serious accident effects on their body. 

 Natural is the best.
>> Correct. 

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
122199 Coffee shop ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1
122198 Are you happy with a two-day weekend or should it be three days?... ÅÂ*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1751
122197 Use the following phrases in creative sentences ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1636
122196 What activities do you enjoy doing on your free time? Le* ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 2788
122195 homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1
122194 A book Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 2
122193 Which room in your home do you spend the most time in? Please... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1494
122192 Tuesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 2151
122191 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1
122190 Which greeting kind of annoys you? ¾È*ºñ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1999
122189 Hi Gemmar ÀÌ*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1856
122188 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1
122187 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1820
122186 Caleb\'s Homework for September 05. ±Ç*È£ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1942
122185 bad person ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 2340
122184 Does any particular food bring back any special memories for you? ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1829
122183 Homework: Create simple sentences using the following words ±è*¿í ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1622
122182 homework À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 2907
122181 Please use the expressions in a sentence: ¹Ú*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1454
122180 09.05.2022 ±è*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-09-06 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04