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What is your opinion about the growing number of lonely deaths in your country? What do you think is

작성자: 황*하
2023-01-13 840

회원님의 영작문

Korea became one of the advanced countries few years ago, but there are still too many people in poverty. They live in a tiny house which is not equipped well. They use shared bathroom and they don't have enough space to get kitchen room. Most people don't have family members so nobody knows, if they are sick or suddenly die at home. Although, there is a wellfare program wich is provided by regional government, many people couldn't get benifits from the governmental authority because of the budget and man power. It is related with aging problem. Koreans need to pay national pention according to their income every month, and they can receive it when they turn to 65 years old whereas, most people retire at 60 years old. This is the major problem because people have to live without any income for 5 years from their retirement, if they don't have private pension. I think that it has to be reviewed and need to revise. In addition, house price is main cause of lonely death.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good day, Sir Hwang!
Thank you so much for taking time in answering the question. Your ideas and opinions are on point. Keep it up! :)
~ T. Camille

Korea became one of the advanced countries few years ago, but there are still too many people in poverty.
>> CORRECT! 
OR >> Korea became one of the advanced countries few years ago, but there are still too many people facing poverty.
They live in a tiny house which is not equipped well. 
>> CORRECT! 
OR >> They live in tiny houses that aren't fully equipped.
They use shared bathroom and they don't have enough space to get kitchen room. 
>> They use shared bathrooms and they don't have enough space to get a kitchen. 
Most people don't have family members so nobody knows, if they are sick or suddenly die at home.
>> CORRECT! 
Although, there is a wellfare program wich is provided by regional government, many people couldn't get benifits from the governmental authority because of the budget and man power. 
>> Although, there is a welfares' program which is provided by regional government, many people couldn't get benefits from the governmental authority because of the budget and man power. 
It is related with aging problem. 
>> It is related to aging problem. 
Koreans need to pay national pention according to their income every month, and they can receive it when they turn to 65 years old whereas, most people retire at 60 years old. 
>> Koreans need to pay national pension according to their income every month, and they can receive it when they turn to 65 years old whereas, most people retire at 60 years old. 
This is the major problem because people have to live without any income for 5 years from their retirement, if they don't have private pension. 
>> CORRECT! 
I think that it has to be reviewed and need to revise. 
>> I think that it has to be reviewed and need to be revised. 
In addition, house price is main cause of lonely death.
>> CORRECT! 

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