¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

HW_03/15/23

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*¾Æ
2023-03-15 1436

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Have you ever used TikTok before? TikTok is a platform made in China, and it's used globally. People usually use TikTok to show their talents, take creative videos with others, and even make some memory. For instance, a woman who is an ordinary mom and wife posts a restocking fridge video on TikTok. It's just showing a small part of her daily life. But viewers refresh their minds by watching a calm restocking video. Thus, many global wives and moms try to make videos like her. In other words, TikTok usually makes some trends and mob mentality by sharing the simple daily life of people over the world, even though it's just a platform. Nowadays, over 100 million people have used the TikTok platform, and people kept contacting with others by using that platform. Share your daily life with others; not only with your natives. Share your culture, and desire on TikTok.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Nice essay, Su A! :) You introduced the topic first, which is TikTok, to give your readers ample background on the matter. Aside from that, you provided a simple yet relatable example about a mom filming herself restocking her fridge and the ripple effect it has on viewers before correlating it with your main point. If I could give a suggestion, since the question was about mental health, perhaps there could've been more statements about the emotion or psychological well-being of social media users as a result of their consumption.  Thank you, Su A! 
~T.Harmony <3

Have you ever used TikTok before? 
>> CORRECT!
TikTok is a platform made in China, and it's used globally. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> TikTok is a globally used platform made in China.
People usually use TikTok to show their talents, take creative videos with others, and even make some memory. 
>> ..., and even make some memories.
For instance, a woman who is an ordinary mom and wife posts a restocking fridge video on TikTok. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ...posts a TikTok video of herself restocking her family's fridge.
It's just showing a small part of her daily life. 
>> CORRECT!
But viewers refresh their minds by watching a calm restocking video. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> However, as a result of a seemingly normal and calm restocking video, the mental health of viewers are positively affected.
Thus, many global wives and moms try to make videos like her. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ...try to replicate her style of making videos.
In other words, TikTok usually makes some trends and mob mentality by sharing the simple daily life of people over the world, even though it's just a platform.
>> In other words, TikTok has the ability to create trends and trigger mob mentality just from sharing the simple daily life... (the rest are correct. ^^)
Nowadays, over 100 million people have used the TikTok platform, and people kept contacting with others by using that platform. 
>> ...and people have been using the platform to keep in touch with others, including their loved ones.
Share your daily life with others; not only with your natives. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> not only with your fellowmen. 
Share your culture, and desire on TikTok.
>> CORRECT!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
124881 Is good teamwork essential to the kind of work you do? ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-15 1
124880 Is it easy for you to commute going to your workplace? What are... ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-15 2
124879 weekend routine ¹Ú*º° ¿Ï·á 2023-01-15 1035
124878 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-01-15 1013
124877 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-14 1168
124876 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-14 1211
124875 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-14 1158
124874 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-14 1275
124873 Who is your life mentor and why? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-01-14 1083
124872 Make sentences using \'house\'. ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-13 1
124871 If you were a fashion item, what would you be and why? ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-13 2
124870 Write a short essay about students and use the vocabulary words... ±è*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-01-13 5
124869 How would you react if your friend told you that your boyfriend... ±è*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-01-13 2
124868 I am ¡®house and home¡¯ person ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-01-13 1425
124867 homework ½Å*ÈÖ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-13 1576
124866 homework ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-13 2638
124865 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-13 1240
124864 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-13 1296
124863 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-13 1308
124862 Where would you like to go on vacation? Why? ÅÂ*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2023-01-13 1251

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04