¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

What advice can you give to people who are depressed? Do you think ordinary people can help the depr

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*°æ
2023-06-08 1357

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is to compare themselves with others. As the old saying goes, don't compare your life with others. There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it's their time. So my advice is that each person has a respective time and purpose that you need not be conscious about others. Rather, you need to know yourself and your Creator more and more. Otherwise, we can't help but make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
Therefore, if you're walking your own way, you're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. However, if you're one of those who can feel relieved to see yourself above others, you can't be helpful to anyone, let alone yourself. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. So if you can't come to your senses for a while, you will soon find yourself way off the happiness.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Steve,
This composition was great! You just have to pay attention to your consistency as we are talking from a third person's point of view.
Other than that, this composition is already great and very meaningful. Great job!
~T. Demi
Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is to compare themselves with others.
CORRECT!
OR>> Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is because they compare themselves with others.
As the old saying goes, don't compare your life with others. 
CORRECT!
There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. 
CORRECT!
They shine when it's their time. 
CORRECT!
So my advice is that each person has a respective time and purpose that you need not be conscious about others. 
>> So my advice is that each person should remember that they have their own respective time and purpose, they shouldn't be conscious about others.
Rather, you need to know yourself and your Creator more and more. 
>> Rather, they need to know much more about themselves and their Creator.
Otherwise, we can't help but make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
CORRECT!
OR>> Otherwise, it's inevitable that they will make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
Therefore, if you're walking your way, you're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. 
CORRECT!
OR>>Therefore, if people are walking their own ways, then they're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. 
However, if you're one of those who can feel relieved to see yourself above others, you can't be helpful to anyone, let alone yourself. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. 
CORRECT!
OR >>However, if they're one of those who are relieved to see themselves above others, they can't be helpful to anyone, let alone themselves. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. 
So if you can't come to your senses for a while, you will soon find yourself way off the happiness.
CORRECT!
OR>> So if they can't come to their senses for a while, they will soon find themselves drifting away from happiness.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
127560 What is your favorit part or your house? why? ¿À*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 1
127559 Stress ±Ç*ÀÏ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 1
127558 My favorite food is pasta. Á¶*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 1342
127557 17.Apr.2-23 ±è*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 1
127556 What do you like about camping? ¹Ú*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 0
127555 An impressive Chuseok ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 1576
127554 Homework ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 1974
127553 Homework ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 1
127552 How was the commute? Á¶*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 1
127551 Homework ÇÏ*¸² ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 0
127550 homework ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 2139
127549 Homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 2
127548 favorite day ¹Ú*¶÷ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 1365
127547 If parensts set a proper guideline, children who are elemantary... ÀÌ*¿õ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 3
127546 What is your favorite color and why? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 1803
127545 Do you like seafood? ±è*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 0
127544 What are the things that you can\'t share? ±è*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 0
127543 Define a superhero. ±è*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 0
127542 My weekend ÃÖ*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 1345
127541 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04