¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Can money buy happiness?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*°æ
2023-11-22 2797

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In short, No way! if we can buy happiness with a fortune, There are no rich people who don¡¯t live a happy life. However, as you might expect, this is not the case. I think money is just a tool we can make the use of to be happy, not something to make us happy. Whenever I see some people clinging and holding firmly to making a fortune with a strong belief that money can give them happiness, I feel sorry. Rather, I believe relationship can bring happiness to us: a relationship with people and God. Money is the cherry on top of a good relationship. We need to make a point to think about why rich people have tried to share their fortune which they acquired after long years of their efforts and sacrifice.

To make a long story short, money is a good tool to help happiness more fruitful. So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding getting obsessed with falsehood about money. We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued always doesn¡¯t turn out to be good for us.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi Steve! Great job! Grammatically speaking, your sentences are all correct. Excellent work. However, revised sentences are sent to make the statements more clear. Great job!



In short, No way! if we can buy happiness with a fortune, There are no rich people who don¡¯t live a happy life. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> If it were possible to buy happiness with a fortune, there would be no rich people who don't live a happy life.
However, as you might expect, this is not the case. 
>>> CORRECT!
I think money is just a tool we can make the use of to be happy, not something to make us happy. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> I think money is just a tool we can use to be happy, not something that makes us happy.
Whenever I see some people clinging and holding firmly to making a fortune with a strong belief that money can give them happiness, I feel sorry. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> When I see people clinging to the belief that making a fortune will bring them happiness, I feel sorry for them.
Rather, I believe relationship can bring happiness to us: a relationship with people and God. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> Instead, I believe that relationships with people and God can bring happiness to us.
Money is the cherry on top of a good relationship. 
>>> CORRECT!
We need to make a point to think about why rich people have tried to share their fortune which they acquired after long years of their efforts and sacrifice.
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> We need to consider why rich people have tried to share the fortune they acquired after years of effort and sacrifice.
To make a long story short, money is a good tool to help happiness more fruitful. 
>>> CORRECT!
So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding getting obsessed with falsehood about money. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding becoming obsessed with falsehoods about money.
We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued always doesn¡¯t turn out to be good for us.
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued doesn't always turn out to be good for us.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
131693 Homework ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-10-17 3283
131692 Thomas S. Szasz said: \"Suicide is a fundamental human right.... ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 5
131691 What does a perfect day include? What is the weather like? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 0
131690 homework 10.16 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 3238
131689 My least favorite music ÃÖ*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 4078
131688 What\'s your thought on the article, in particular, the man... ±è*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 1
131687 What three things can you do today to help nature? ¿¡*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 1
131686 My future house ÀÌ*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 3743
131685 Homework ±è* ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 0
131684 Homework ±è* ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 0
131683 Homework Á¤*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 4172
131682 WRITING TASK: How can we maintain our healthy routine? ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 5
131681 HOMEWORK: Please write a short paragraph about ¡°Do you want to... ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 2
131680 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 4027
131679 homework ¼Õ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 3350
131678 What daily activities help you to be creative? ÀÌ*ºó ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 3472
131677 How do you handle a situation when someone\'s lame excuse can be... ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 3283
131676 What are the usual excuses you made when you were a student and... ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 3719
131675 Is it important to adjust to another person\'s personality? Why... ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 3912
131674 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-10-16 2997

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04