¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Extreme sports such as skydiving and rock climbing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Ȳ*ÇÏ
2024-06-10 2364

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Extreme sports like skydiving and rock climbing come with inherent risks, but banning them outright is not the most effective solutions. It leads to violate personal freedom because individuals have rights to engage in any kind of activities. I think risks can be minimized by educating and regulating participants. It is also important to have safety guards to secure any incidents. If it is banned by the law, there might be economic impact. Extreme sports contribute significantly to the economy through tourism, equipment sales, and related industries. Banning them could have negative economic repercussions in certain areas. Extreme sports can also give positive impacts to psychological health. It improves mental health, confidence and stress relief. However, it's essential to balance these arguments with considerations for public safety. Authorities should ensure that adequate precautions are in place to minimize risks to both participants and bystanders.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

A fantastic day to you Mr. Hwang~!^^ The arguments in the essay were exceptionally well-developed, consistently clear and well justified. You have effectively presented your ideas in an interesting and critical manner and you have presented a good quality and variety of examples. Keep it up! 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
Extreme sports like skydiving and rock climbing come with inherent risks, but banning them outright is not the most effective solution.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 It leads to violate personal freedom because individuals have rights to engage in any kind of activities.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 I think risks can be minimized by educating and regulating participants.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 It is also important to have safety guards to secure any incidents.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 If it is banned by the law, there might be economic impact.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Extreme sports contribute significantly to the economy through tourism, equipment sales, and related industries.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Banning them could have negative economic repercussions in certain areas. 
>>> CORRECT!^^
Extreme sports can also give positive impacts to psychological health.
>>> CORRECT!^^
It improves mental health, confidence and stress relief.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 However, it's essential to balance these arguments with considerations for public safety.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Authorities should ensure that adequate precautions are in place to minimize risks to both participants and bystanders.
>>> CORRECT!^^
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
139588 Are actors involved in sports more rich than ordinary actors? ±Ç*Áö ¿Ï·á 2024-08-30 2
139587 Q) Are you looking forward to your retirement? ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-08-30 1837
139586 Should all medicine be free? ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-08-30 2345
139585 Homework ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-08-30 1848
139584 Homework : How do people in your country usually greet each... ÀÌ*¹ü ¿Ï·á 2024-08-30 2266
139583 When are you most productive? ±è*¸° ¿Ï·á 2024-08-30 2263
139582 What activities do you tend to be lazy about? ÀÓ*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2024-08-30 2125
139581 What are some common family duties? ÃÖ*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-08-30 3
139580 Home work ±è*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 3
139579 urope: European He is from Europe, he is European. 1. Mongolia... ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 2454
139578 Homework ¿À*º½ ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 0
139577 What is your opinion on the importance of learning a second... Çö* ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 2497
139576 In some countries, parents often send their children abroad to... Çö* ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 2476
139575 The negative side of \" Should public libraries be allowed to... ¼Õ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 2033
139574 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 2
139573 HOMEWORK È«*¼± ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 2031
139572 How can reading benefit you? À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 0
139571 #1 Assignment ¹Ú*½Ä ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 1986
139570 2024.08.29 ¾ç*À² ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 0
139569 Did you grow up with pets in your home? À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2024-08-29 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04