¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Extreme sports such as skydiving and rock climbing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Ȳ*ÇÏ
2024-06-10 2376

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Extreme sports like skydiving and rock climbing come with inherent risks, but banning them outright is not the most effective solutions. It leads to violate personal freedom because individuals have rights to engage in any kind of activities. I think risks can be minimized by educating and regulating participants. It is also important to have safety guards to secure any incidents. If it is banned by the law, there might be economic impact. Extreme sports contribute significantly to the economy through tourism, equipment sales, and related industries. Banning them could have negative economic repercussions in certain areas. Extreme sports can also give positive impacts to psychological health. It improves mental health, confidence and stress relief. However, it's essential to balance these arguments with considerations for public safety. Authorities should ensure that adequate precautions are in place to minimize risks to both participants and bystanders.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

A fantastic day to you Mr. Hwang~!^^ The arguments in the essay were exceptionally well-developed, consistently clear and well justified. You have effectively presented your ideas in an interesting and critical manner and you have presented a good quality and variety of examples. Keep it up! 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
Extreme sports like skydiving and rock climbing come with inherent risks, but banning them outright is not the most effective solution.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 It leads to violate personal freedom because individuals have rights to engage in any kind of activities.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 I think risks can be minimized by educating and regulating participants.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 It is also important to have safety guards to secure any incidents.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 If it is banned by the law, there might be economic impact.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Extreme sports contribute significantly to the economy through tourism, equipment sales, and related industries.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Banning them could have negative economic repercussions in certain areas. 
>>> CORRECT!^^
Extreme sports can also give positive impacts to psychological health.
>>> CORRECT!^^
It improves mental health, confidence and stress relief.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 However, it's essential to balance these arguments with considerations for public safety.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Authorities should ensure that adequate precautions are in place to minimize risks to both participants and bystanders.
>>> CORRECT!^^
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
138391 homework ÀÌ*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 1862
138390 HOMEWORK ÁÖ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 1965
138389 Homework À¯*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 1
138388 Homework ½Å*Á¾ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 0
138387 HOMEWORK FOR 07.10.2024 WRITING TASK: Why do things slip our... ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 3
138386 homework ½É*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 5
138385 What are your goals and aspirations related to drumming in the... ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 2323
138384 Snacks I can\'t resist ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 1899
138383 Homework ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 1653
138382 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 1
138381 Homework ½Å*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 1581
138380 What do you do when you\'re not happy? Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 1984
138379 Describe the decoration of your bedroom. Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 1700
138378 Traveling alone ÇÑ*ÀÚ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 3
138377 Are parents who feed junk food to their children irresponsible? ¿À*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 1
138376 2024.07.08 ³²*·Ê ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 1725
138375 What do you think of July weather? Are there any bad things... ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 2374
138374 What\'s your favorite music video? Do videos help you enjoy the... ±è*±â ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 2106
138373 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 2073
138372 How do someone\'s interests affect a person\'s life? ¼Û*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 2047

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04