¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Why the people want to move after retirement?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Á¤*ÈÆ
2024-07-04 1844

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

When the retirement approaches, people are divided two groups. Those who want to be rewarded for their works and those who wanted to live quietly regardless of their work. The first group wanted to the new adventure that they didn't experienced when they young. They tend to move to another country or city for retirement.
The second group wanted to live quietly because they were too tired from thier work. So they tend to move to small city like their hometown.
Although they have a same goal that escape from today's work. But someone will experience different days each days, someone will lived with memories at quiet familiar place.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

A fantastic day to you Se Hun~!^^ The arguments in the essay were exceptionally well-developed, consistently clear and well justified. You have effectively presented your ideas in an interesting and critical manner and you have presented a good quality and variety of examples. Keep it up! 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
When the retirement approaches, people are divided two groups.
>>> When the retirement approaches, people are divided [into] two groups.
 Those who want to be rewarded for their work and those who wanted to live quietly regardless of their work. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
The first group wanted to the new adventure that they didn't experienced when they young.

>>> The first group wanted to experience the new adventure that they hadn't experienced when they were young.

They tend to move to another country or city for retirement.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
The second group wanted to live quietly because they were too tired from their work.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 So they tend to move to small city like their hometown.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
Although they have a same goal that escape from today's work.
>>> Although they have [the] same goal [which is to] escape from today's work.
 But someone will experience different days each days, someone will lived with memories at quiet familiar place.
>>> But someone will experience different days each day, while others will live with memories in a quiet, familiar place."
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
137222 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-05-16 2555
137221 2024.05.15 ³²*·Ê ¿Ï·á 2024-05-16 2721
137220 Homework 8 ¼Û*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-16 2597
137219 HOMEWORK FOR 05.16.2024 DIRECTIONS: Make a sentence using the... ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2024-05-16 9
137218 homework ÀÌ*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2024-05-16 1974
137217 HOMEWORK FOR 05.15.2024 WRITING TASK: Are there any sentimental... ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2024-05-16 5
137216 which actor would you like to change places with and why ? ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-16 2754
137215 Homework ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-05-16 2026
137214 Can you imagine a life without the internet? How will you... ±è*¿í ¿Ï·á 2024-05-16 1679
137213 homework ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-16 2620
137212 How do holidays and vacations impact your overall well-being? ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-16 1873
137211 Is a college education worth it? Are you Pro or Con? ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-15 2124
137210 Do you ever have trouble with choices and making decisions? Give... Ȳ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-05-15 2324
137209 Magazines or newpaper ¿ì*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2024-05-15 5
137208 Homework Àå*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-15 2819
137207 Do you love yourself? Is it important to love yourself? ±è*¼ø ¿Ï·á 2024-05-15 3325
137206 Could you live in another country for the rest of your life? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-05-15 1
137205 homework 05.15 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2024-05-15 1649
137204 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-05-15 2
137203 What do you need to do to train for and run a marathon? ¿À*¼Ø ¿Ï·á 2024-05-15 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04