¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Why the people want to move after retirement?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Á¤*ÈÆ
2024-07-04 2173

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

When the retirement approaches, people are divided two groups. Those who want to be rewarded for their works and those who wanted to live quietly regardless of their work. The first group wanted to the new adventure that they didn't experienced when they young. They tend to move to another country or city for retirement.
The second group wanted to live quietly because they were too tired from thier work. So they tend to move to small city like their hometown.
Although they have a same goal that escape from today's work. But someone will experience different days each days, someone will lived with memories at quiet familiar place.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

A fantastic day to you Se Hun~!^^ The arguments in the essay were exceptionally well-developed, consistently clear and well justified. You have effectively presented your ideas in an interesting and critical manner and you have presented a good quality and variety of examples. Keep it up! 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
When the retirement approaches, people are divided two groups.
>>> When the retirement approaches, people are divided [into] two groups.
 Those who want to be rewarded for their work and those who wanted to live quietly regardless of their work. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
The first group wanted to the new adventure that they didn't experienced when they young.

>>> The first group wanted to experience the new adventure that they hadn't experienced when they were young.

They tend to move to another country or city for retirement.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
The second group wanted to live quietly because they were too tired from their work.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 So they tend to move to small city like their hometown.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
Although they have a same goal that escape from today's work.
>>> Although they have [the] same goal [which is to] escape from today's work.
 But someone will experience different days each days, someone will lived with memories at quiet familiar place.
>>> But someone will experience different days each day, while others will live with memories in a quiet, familiar place."
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
137926 Homework ¿À*º½ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-19 2
137925 Homework ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2
137924 Do you think you could live without your smartphone (or other... ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2065
137923 What sport would you want to try or learn? Explain your answer. Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2458
137922 What do you think is the most fun musical instrument to play?... Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 1914
137921 What are some of the reasons people choose to adopt? ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2006
137920 What do you think is interesting about your culture? ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 1665
137919 Are you good at time management or managing your time? Explain... ¿À*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 0
137918 Homework ±è*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2171
137917 What are some tourist attractions in your city? ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2082
137916 Q) Can sadness be useful in people¡¯s lives? ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2
137915 2024.06.17 ³²*·Ê ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2301
137914 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2127
137913 I become morning person. ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 8
137912 In some countries the government promotes public transport as... Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2436
137911 May 17th homework ¾È*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2084
137910 Some people think that people shouldn\'t wear animal furs. Do... ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 1987
137909 My life 5 years from now ÇÑ*ÀÚ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 9
137908 Vices ÀÌ*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 2290
137907 joke ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-06-18 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04